Watching “君の名は” again no longer made me hate my current circumstances anymore


君の名は。』を気象的見地から読み解く - ウェザーニュース

I consider it an achievement.

Finally, I was able to just have that satisfied smile on my face instead of wishing myself on Taki’s place, speaking Japanese, being Japanese, living in Japan, and in turn loathing why I am here where I currently am.

日本語が上手道へ

I hope I already made a breakthrough on self-studying 日本語, like finding/discovering the most effective method without getting frustrated in the end. Frustrations brought about by slow progress, not being able to read a kanji that I know I’ve already encountered for many times now and the thought of the possibility that I might never be able to go to Japan at all. It’s hard to keep yourself motivated to learn while thinking you might never use your target language at all, except for some occasional Facebook posts that hopefully would attract Japanese people that I can interact with.

All of those thoughts are very counter productive indeed.

It was a stressful experience, trying to keep your hopes high and at the same time thinking that it might never happen at all – me going to Japan and all that. Yep, I shoot my proverbial foot at times. So in order to reduce the stress, I tried to back off. I stopped reading ebooks and just got contented looking at short Facebook posts written in Japanese. When it’s hard to understand, I just look at the pics and try to guess the text through the context.

I even tried to convince myself that it is not for me, that I should just focus my efforts and thoughts on everything else where I can be productive. I want to increase my proficiency in English so learning Japanese side by side might just sabotage all that effort hence at times, I drown my desire to learn 日本語 by writing more in English or in my native tongue.

I thought it’d be that easy. In fact I wish it’d been that easy but boy I was mistaken.

Everytime I see an anime scenery, background music in piano, hiragana katakana or Kanji, the dying ember that I believed it was, is fanned to its original infernal proportions once more.

Ok, I told myself, I may not be able to escape these deeply rooted-feelings of learning the language, loving the language. I may not in an instant learn 日本語, but I can at least ‘enjoy’ the learning process.

Those who cannot be happy wherever they are, can neither find that happiness elsewhere no matter how far.

I’ve already come across this before. I even victoriously surmounted the hell of wanting things at some point. But I didn’t think I’d fall for it again.

That, is none other than the pain of wanting something. It makes you think and feel that you’re incomplete, lacking, and undone. Nothing will complete you unless you’ve had that experience – and that is speaking fluent 日本語 and going/living in Japan. It’s a plain old form of materialism except for substituting experiences instead of anything tangible such as possessions.

Ok where do I begin to heal myself? How do I phrase my affirmations?

  1. I am happy wherever I am today except that I am not in Japan which could’ve made it more awesome. (How do I counter that?!)
  2. I am happy whatever language I am proficient with at the moment except that I am still not proficient in 日本語 which could’ve made it more awesome. (Again, how do I counter that?!)
  3. I’ll just imagine wherever I am today is Japan so I can be happy. (Tough luck eh?!)

If this waiting is just a test of how much I want this, isn’t it enough that I feel the same intensity of fervor in learning the language just like the first time that I tried because I couldn’t stand not knowing how to read, write, and speak the language?

Don’t get me wrong. I love my family, my job, my home, and who I am today even if I am making a rant in this article (one of the few rants that I am immortalizing). But there are things that I wanted to achieve that is outside of my circle of reach.

Did I lie by stating the title of this article?

I didn’t. As I’ve said, I didn’t feel frustrated anymore after watching 君の名は after the nth time. The story is still good just the way it is. Nothing overdone but it is still potent in getting to the emotion of anyone who allow themselves to get vulnerable every once in a while.

I just hope I can take it slow in terms of learning my second language though, for I believe it is my first language in my past life. On where to strike a balance everyday without losing my wits in regrets, well I still have to figure that out.

ばーか


時々俺は本当にばーかだ. 未だ日本語が読んで書いて話した い …

下 は かっこういい曲 だ . 聴て!!!

ばーか
<あれくん>

なんで構ってくれないの?
いっつもいっつも携帯ばかり
付き合いたての初々しさに
戻りたいな 泣き出しそうだ

どうしてわかってくれないの?
朝から晩まで自分の話
たまには私の話も少し
聞いてくれたっていいじゃんか

こんなんだったら私達
『終わりにしよ?』って切り出した
こんな時だけ頭を下げて
あぁ なんだかばかばかしいな
ねぇ だったらかまってよ
あなたが好きなの 他じゃ嫌なの
あなたじゃなきゃ 私ダメなの
ぎゅーっ!って そっと抱きついた
ぎゅって抱きついた

『ごめんね 愛しているよ』
その一言にいっつもいっつも
騙されていた
次はもうないからね?
信じていいの?
わたしも大好き 愛しているよ
これからも一緒にいようよ
『ばーか。』

このままずっと離さないから
目と目合わせて肩寄せ合って
にっこり笑みが零れた私は
幸せのベルを鳴らした

ありのままのあなたでいてよね
ありのままの私でいるから
時計の針 脈打つ鼓動
2人の記憶がまた1つになった

毎回嫉妬させてばっかで
ごめんね? それに携帯ばかり
付き合いたての時より”もっと”
『好きなんだ』って言いたかったんだ
だけど 素直になれなかった
君に嫉妬してたんだ
これからは君のことを
精一杯包み込むよ

『こんなんだったら私達
終わりにしよって』 僕に言った
そんな時でも素直になれず
あぁ なんだか子供みたいだ…
あのさ 本当は言いたいんだ
君が好きなの 他じゃ嫌なの
君だけいれば 僕はいいの
ぎゅっ!って そっと抱きついた
ぎゅっって君を抱きしめた

今までごめんね 大好きだよ
これからも一緒にいてくれる?
ありがとう

時計の針をずっと眺めて
一緒に人生 歩み進めて
行きたいな 生きたいな? ね!
僕たち一緒にいようね!

これからも愛しています
だから これからも愛してほしい
僕が宝物に 送る愛の言葉
君へと捧げる愛の歌

もっと君に伝えたい
『愛してる』大好きだよって言葉を
口だけの男じゃないってことを
証明してみせるから
君と一緒に星を見たいな
夜空に輝く一等星みたいな輝きを
叶えたい
2人で描く愛のストーリーを

このままずっと離さないから
目と目合わせて肩寄せ合って
にっこり笑みが零れた私は
愛の誓いのキスを交わした
ありのままのあなたでいてよね
ありのままの私でいるから
時計の針 脈打つ鼓動 2人の記憶が
また1つになった

火がまだ燃えている


Samurai Stands Forest Dynamic Perspective Inscription Means Japanese Way  Warrior — Stock Photo © WarmTail #252470580

As I am still learning 日本語, I came across an app HelloTalk, where you can meet natives of your target language, 日本語 in my case, and have your grammar corrected in return via a friendly exchange.

There are also Japanese natives in HelloTalk who want to learn English and Filipino. Strange as it may seem, other nationalities are also craving to learn Filipino not only for the sake of wanting to learn Filipino as a language, but also because they wanted to become a Filipino, starting with the language.

The frustration

I’ve gone through great lengths of getting frustrated, motivated, and obsessed while learning, and back again. And I’d give a resounding “YES”, I am STILL that desperate to learn the Japanese language by any means.

In fact, whenever I see a post from a Japanese native, I can’t help but turn green with jealousy wishing I can also write with the same fluency as a native. I know, I am unrealistic sometimes and I can get upset that easy when I feel that I can’t seem to achieve swiftly what I wanted to achieve.

Collaring myself and asking why

But really, I tried to ask myself, despite the frequent frustration when I see how far still am I to my goal, why do I keep going back to wanting to learn?

And why do I even persist given that I cannot even assure myself that I will be able to go to Japan, and much more work or live there? And why am I that stubborn to learn the language even when I am already aware of the many pressing issues that the Japanese people are facing nowadays?

No such thing as a perfect country

My country isn’t perfect and so does Japan. All countries have two extremes, the commendable and the not so cool stuff, both deeply embedded in the culture. But I chose to stick with the duality because, well it’s part of everything. It doesn’t mean condoning the wrong. There’s always room for improvement in everything.

One does not reside in the light alone nor one is completely ignorant of the light. One gets a taste of the other occasionally as the balance tips over either the dichotomy.

Exchange of spirits and minds

I tried to write the first part of that explanation in 日本語 (with all the faulty grammar and wrong choice of words) until I can no longer go any further due to my limited vocabulary so I continued it in English and posted it in HelloTalk.

And then a native replied.

Yep, that’s from a Japanese native!

Just enjoy the learning process

I can’t help but smile at his Tagalog which is a “textbook” type of Tagalog. And maybe it is the same with him, laughing at my unnatural and bookish 日本語 instead of a conversational one. But neither of which mattered. I am learning piece by piece, and the same is true for him and perhaps all the other language learners out there.

What mattered is that we are enjoying the process of getting wrong, getting corrected and improving. And slowly but surely we are getting closer to our previous selves one word and grammar at a time.

またね!