Afterthoughts of An Ordinance “Violator”

Punitive action is not always the best action against violators.”

I pretty much agree with what my wife said after I came home after a half a day lost redeeming my ID after being apprehended with a jaywalking violation.

I always wanted to visit the city hall but not on this manner. The traffic getting there, the humid air and the long queue at the elevator are all testing my patience and trying to mock me in the face.

When I arrived at the 7th floor where I am supposed to redeem my ID, the atmosphere is more heated than the weather.

We all share the same evil looks and the same arid feelings of resentment, hatred and animosity. We were there because we were violators of an ordinance but it felt like we all committed murder.

I don’t live a thug life such that violence is not really my thing nor was I accustomed to it. But I never felt how it was to be pushed to the edge until my first time when I was apprehended and now that I am paying in cash for my ID.

We are all at the edge of our patience, everyone in the room. And one wrong word or move from anyone especially the employees processing our transaction would guarantee a holocaust.

We were all ready  to kill at a moment’s notice.

But I don’t want to nurture my ill feelings so I turned my thoughts towards my family which made me smile instantly.

Still I cant brush the feeling of hatred however. It is still a drag and it really has the capability to compound itself exponentially producing  catastrophic results.

But yeah, my wife is right again when she said that society creates its own criminals.

But with God’s grace and goodness I wont allow it to happen.

Focus on the good.

Have good intentions always.

And do what’s right and good even if no one’s watching. Do it not because you want to be lauded for doing what’s good but because it’s who you are.

So God help me.

Unadulterated Thoughts After Being Caught With A Jaywalking Violation

  1. There are other people doing it albeit they are not caught. I only did it once, and oh boy…
  2. My unblemished record as a citizen is unblemished no more.
  3. Why do I feel like a criminal when I never did drugs, killed anyone, nor inflicted violence against anyone?
  4. I wish I just bribed the enforcer to save myself trouble from going to the city hall to get my ID back.
  5. Never get too excited nor anxious especially when outside your home. Leave yourself in a focused, neutral condition.
  6. Do what’s right even if no one is looking
  7. Never wander from the straight path of doing what’s right regardless of the situation
  8. Good intentions go a long way and it comes back
  9. You are not entitled for all privileges including breaking laws. Don’t act like the world owes you anything.
  10. It’s good to ponder upon the lessons learned in a mistake but don’t dwell on it and never blow it out of proportion.

The Hot Dad

I don’t have the body built of an underwear model. But even if I am craving to have such physique sometimes it doesn’t mean that I am displeased with myself.

Life doesn’t always rock. Sometimes it sucks. Many times I fuck up and I fuck up hard.

I still would like to believe though that I have an irresistible charm and that I am as attractive as hell.

The kind of attraction like, when a hot woman meets my gaze she bites her lips and she’s aching  to sink her teeth and nails into me.

Not to use it to actually make love or fuck another woman other than my wife (although I wont deny that I am wishing I can sometimes…)

But not anymore. Not for other wet pussies.

Just that rugged, attractive and irresistible look and personality.

A hot dad exclusive to his gang.

family

 

photo from lifewritingphotography.com

Journey Down the Memory Blog Lane

As I look back at the attachment photos of my axed blog I cannot help but smile and cringe at some of the previous items I hoarded and held on like I held my life:

Photos of Arimura Kasumi that made me smile until now.

Photo of my kababayan Kirk Hammett.

Original quotable quotes.

Xiong Dai Lin.

Shu Qi.

The last samurai photo before I  called it quits.

Asuna Yuuki that reminded me of my folly.

And what not.

Mixed feelings. All insane.

Inner Reflections

self-reflection.jpg

Can’t I handle being happy long enough?

Do I get too addicted to that elated feeling that I tend to forget everything else?

Has happiness become my adversity and my affliction?

Is it because I defined happiness as being quiet instead of maintaining feelings of elation?

Have I become a clown or a puppet that gets manipulated by people and my greed for accolades?

Or I still need to learn to handle the happy me because I’m used to the being me just as where I am right now which is neither melancholic nor euphoric?

Or do I need to just shut up and just be?

 

photo from blogs.otago.ac.nz

祈り六(いのりろく)

Forgive me Lord for I have been vainly empowered again thinking that I am solely responsible for all the blessing that you’ve accorded me, including those who are near me.

Lord, may I use Your gift of knowledge with all humility that I will always acknowledge You always as the One who made my eyes open that I might see.

Lord thank You for the attentive listeners who gave willing ears to the knowledge that I want to impart. May it be that You please shield me from showing off to them and being vainly pleased with myself.

Lord I am willing to shut up to listen to You Lord and just sit and meditate on Your love and blessings and so that I will shut off the external noise that’s drowning my concentration and my inner peace.

Help me Lord to manage not only adversity but also euphoria that comes from people’s praises and the feeling good and elation that comes from those blessings. May it be that I always go back to the quiet place in me so that I can hear You and return to the blank screen where I am happy, contented and ready to serve others and You in the way that You have given me.

“We throw you in the water and you must learn how to swim” MY ASS!!!

Input will produce an output, any output.

But if you want to have a definite output, you should be able to delimit the required input especially if you are after a tailor-made solution.

The structural engineering business is a fast-paced working environment with every deadline screaming NOW!! on our faces.

In as much as we who have grown considerably older in the profession want to have a production of deliverables commensurate to that of a pool of engineers who are at senior levels, this is not the actual case. Almost always we have newbies who are still in need of our guidance.

Ok, the kid should have the initiative to learn yes that’s true.

BUT, if we want the kid to produce a perfect output that exactly meets our expectations and yet we haven’t shown how is just plain bullshit!

And when the kid asks us what to do, we turn away and accuse them of not doing their part, what the…!

And what’s more infuriating is we gauge them by this faulty and perverted measure when he fucks up (which he will inevitably) and we end up attacking him personally with incompetence blaring at the back of our minds to which the kid ends up frustrated and his self-esteem goes down the drain at the speed of light.

Now who’s REALLY at fault? The kids because you thought they are a bunch of losers and fuckheads or is it us who failed in mentoring the future generation of our workforce?!

“I taught you how and you didn’t do as told” is totally different from the kid desperately trying to read our minds and screws things.

Let’s stop being dickheads and assholes shall we and let us get over our senseless insecurities, let them ask questions including the seemingly stupid queries and answer them professionally and start mentoring them the way we ought to!

Onions

It’s not that easy to get me to tears (well, boys don’t fucking cry anyway) except for onions.

But when I was browsing some old photos of my first born during his tender years, the onions got too strong.

I fucked up a lot of times. And it breaks my heart looking at my precious children and wife and realizing that they have an imperfect dad and husband.

If only I can do more than what I am and be the best in the world. If only I can give them the best protection and the best opportunities.

But all I can do Is try.

Shit. Fucking onions.

Holy Shit!!! A Lovely Deep Conversation

It’s very uncommon for me to have a deep conversation with anyone. But it’s more uncommon if your crush talks to you.

I don’t know why but there’s something with this lady that caught my attention. Those were my thoughts when I first laid my eyes on her. Yep she’s beautiful with her small dimples making here all the more lovely.

But to set things straight, I am not fancying any romantic relationship with her. I just cant explain why I had a funny feeling in my stomach when she said that she already has a boyfriend.

But anyway, the conversation started with her, with a great degree of certainty, that angmamangenhinyero, the guy who’s been blogging about technical stuff is me. I asked how come she said it’s me and she said she was certain and she cant be wrong that its me.

She even pulled some of our officemates in front of me to testify that it’s really me.

No point in denying anymore, and especially with the fact that this lady herself is asking me if I’m that blogger. I said I brought it down because I figured that I was blogging for the wrong reasons. I also said that it’s not only the technical posts that I have but I also have personal other posts to which she replied you could’ve taken those posts out and retained your technical posts because please I want it back.

I was taken aback.

It’s the realization that my works were appreciated, to strip the highfaluting technical structural engineering jargon and put them in words capable by very young engineers to fully comprehend. And that the technical people want it. And my lovely lady wants it.

No respect did I lose toward her despite that we were both intoxicated. And I can never forget the things she told me:

  • that she cried when she was transferred from my team to another
  • that they were referring to me as a rockstar “hey guys, we’ll have a meeting later with the rockstar”
  • that she was fascinated with the fact that we are both reading the life of Ed and Lorraine Warren. She was fascinated that we both have something in common
  • She really wants to learn. She’s eager to learn technical stuff that’s why she wants my technical blog back.

I wanted to hug her, but I restrained myself. I can smell her hair and fragrance despite the alcohol in my breath. But I restrained myself not because of unfaithfulness to my family.

Because I love her.

I love her to care enough about her and respect her and I even think of loving her still in the future when she’s already a wife of another man and a mother to her children.

Love because she dug deep to find me where I am which only a few people do.

It made me sad that that moment will only last for a few minutes. But those were one of the loveliest minutes, I admit.

Yep I love Mara and I will continue to love her.

Holy Shit!!! Faye Talks Nihongo To Me In A Dream

Maybe it was still caused by intoxication.

This is about another beautiful and intelligent lady named Faye who graduated with Latin honors at a prestigious university and newly hired engineer in our company.

We never had the chance to talk during our department nightout which is probably the reason why we tried to connect in a dream.

In my dream, we were still at the bar and we were talking when she said something in a foreign language that although I cannot  fully comprehend, I can discern that it’s the language I badly wanted to learn.

This dream happened twice on the same night and its only in the second installment that I was able to reply in a faulty grammar and at an intoxicated estate.

“Watashi no Nihongo de wakarimasen” when I would’ve said something like:

“Watashi wa sukoshi Nihonge de wakarimasu” and hopefully that’s correct.

I am a bit frustrated that I fucked up with the grammar.

But it’s kawaii that Faye was so fluent in speaking Nihongo that I felt compelled to brush up on my ninja skills.

Faye-san wa atama ga ii desu you!