This is not an ego trip. Or maybe it is, it’s my blog anyway.
Life is a blank screen like what my blog description says above. But lately, I’ve been fooling myself that the things being projected in that freakin’ screen are real. But yeah, as such are life’s morbid jokes that hit you hard in the face as well as mine. It’s all but a manifestation that sometimes, (if not most of the time) the enemy is that handsome man in the mirror.
I’m not a dick though for most of my time awake. Ok I’ll cut the crap. Let’s just proceed…
Maintaining a façade whether it’s the genuine you or a must-wear mask, is a damn daunting task to carry on 24/7. It’s like the weight of the world on Atlas’ shoulders. You’re lucky if you can recognize the signs that you are at the verge of snapping like two tectonic plates sliding past each other and locked in an eerie, deadly silence before wreaking havoc. But for the most part, you would only feel that familiar feeling of like you are stuck in a rut, feeling restless and all that shit.
I’m not a boisterous type of guy if you’d ever get to meet me in person. That’s who I am to me and to everybody. But recently, I have a hard time hearing the hell out of me.
Receiving some accolades from someone for something I might have done right places so much weight on my shoulders that I go stuck up. Being given some thank you’s and great job’s sure are nitros that fuel me to become bigger and better, but getting good whatnots are kind of shackles as well that tell me I cant fuck up or else I’m done and gone.
During some rough times in the company when a project was put on hold, my defenses have been up, until now. Thought’s like “I did good, I’m not supposed to be the first one to go” or “no I’m secured here” with it’s false sense of security never leaves my mind. I cant help it, I have a gang to feed and take care of.
I may not be as intelligent as the people who won Nobel prizes but thanks to experience I think I can decently make it out of life alive a little longer before I’ll be broken into nitrates by my slimy fellas (which I hope would meet me 50 years from now! And yeah, I hope God would allow me to go that far.)
What I want for now is to just be, detached from labels such as the blogger, the senior structural engineer, the rockstar, or the-boy-who-cannot-fuck-up.
Life doesn’t always rock, I need to be occasionally reminded of which. We can strive and fool ourselves that life is ALL good although we know better than that. While we’re all praying that it wouldn’t suck, a great percentage of which will be in the rut, waiting to be sorted out and escaped from the bondage of a dead cycle.
Rock, rut, suck.
What I want now is to just be. Here at the moment. Nothing more nothing less, just the freakin’ me. So that I can stare at myself, and hear myself, and adjust accordingly.