Leaves of Autumn

I will whisper it
to the autumn leaves

I will tell them why
the trees slumbered in a lullaby
I will reveal to them
how all tears have gone dry
it was when
you promulgated my verdict:
“good bye”

It was still the sunshine’s reign
as I recall like ‘twas but yesterday
but before I can brace my self
for that mortal dagger
driven to my chest
the chilling sun
and the freezing moon
started to sing a melancholic tune

Nurtured in the soft breeze’s caress
and nourished in dew
brought forth colors
that are changing in hue
for what seemed the start
of a colorful show
marked the end of the summer glow

what else is there to say
but to let the light leave with the day
and this darkness that had befall
be there to stay while bells they toll

I will whisper its dismal moan
to those in twigs still holding on
oblivious to the truth
that it won’t last for long

I will whisper it
to those caught in midair
as they drift farther and farther away
from their beloved they just left bare

I will whisper it
atop the mounded heap
which to earth
did terminally cede

fool’s show it is indeed
for the varied colors that abound
speaks loudly
of the end
without a sound

The Piercing of Teresa

Duty-bound
I came to execute
The verdict of Teresa
On that appointed eve

Like a soft breeze
Pounding the curtains
I entered unseen
As a pup she laid
Duped that her
Satin and laced sheets
Would get her covered
From the judgement
That would befall her

Then braced myself did I
To enforce her sentence
Cold and swift

Arrow in hand
Steadily aimed
Dug deep in her skin

This I did
Over and over again

Instead of her body
Limped
And eerily silent dead
I heard
Her forceful
Muffled
Shriek

As the steel bored deeper
I heard a
Slapping sound
Squishing
Steady
Periodic

Was I amused
Where the blade had been
Not a trickle of blood
Nothing did I see
But it got more crimson
Like ripe tomatoes
Begging to be picked free

I turned to her face
Contorted it was
Her eyes blocked the faint light
Mouth’s an open vessel
Begging for the rain to trickle
In the dead of the night

Jargons

Jargons
jargons
jargons

When psychologists say “morons”
It’s quite different with the commons

Uranus to science teachers
Brings forth giggles to others

“Unstable” to the design engineer
To others uncertain, hence equals fear

While jargons may draw dividing lines
It does bring together like-minded guys

Inflicting the greatest “damage”

Whenever we tell ourselves “God will do me justice”, do recognize that God will do it twice. First, He will get us out physically of that injustice. Second is He will give the justice He sees fit for that committed act of injustice. That will definitely come to pass, no doubt about that. But the second one is already His discretion if He will allow us to watch karma served and do its thing.

That karma, by the way, may take the form of A BETTER YOU. And to be clear, it’s not an intentional physical, mental, or emotional karma that you yourself is going to inflict. You’re better than that so you are going to do it differently. You’re going to inflict “damage”. And the extent of that “damage” will depend on how much you have improved.

God may give justice through other people. But God may also be grooming that karma through you.

Improve. Be better. Inflict the heaviest “damage” possible.

Expressing vs Impressing

Writing what you want to say and writing what you want to be widely read, turns out, are two different things altogether. The former gets you alienated and oftentimes despised. The latter easily attracts a throng of followers. Blessed is the writer who gets despised but at the same time loved by many.

– 名前がない男の人

User-friendly pen

Never underestimate the power of a smooth-writing pen. It has its way of untangling hard stuck ideas filed in the subconscious mind just because it’s so easy and convenient to write with.

– 名前がない男の人

Preferred Prison

If you think about it, the things we hold on to dearly – love, stuff we believe in, aspirations, anger – they are all in a way a sort of prison. They hold us back from experiencing all the “others”. It’s just a matter of choice which particular things are we willing to ‘enslave’ ourselves with.

– 名前がない男の人

CoLocoLocoCo

The kid was asking for “Remember Me,” the official soundtrack of his favorite animated film Coco, to be played in YouTube. I almost laughed and exclaimed “you’ve got to be kidding me” as I never expected this to appear first during my search. It’s so 90s and so distant from my rock and roll preference and personality…

The kid never got his Coco soundtrack, though. He left frustrated and angry after my 3rd consecutive sing-along.

“Don’t judge me because I’m quiet. No one plans a murder out loud.” — Darynda Jones

The quote above, depending on your current mindset, can either be hilarious or disturbing. Exploring the disturbing part, let us suppose the silent fellow is not planning any physical harm as retaliation on you or to anyone in particular. Well, no one is entirely off the hook yet because one may eventually find himself in a fight he can never win.

Not disclosing things in the open is already in itself a weapon, which is the reason billions are spent in intelligence and covert operations.

But in spite of the power silence yields, when I look back it’s so much clearer now how silent employees are in a lot of stigma in the office more than their gregarious counterparts. Just like the silent kid in class that gets bullied a lot, silent ones are more likely to find themselves on the receiving end of abuse much like myself back then.

Sure the silent ones need to speak up especially when they are in a team and what they are doing are affecting those of others.

Sure the silent ones need to confirm that they understood what exactly are expected of them, and to chase for further clarifications when things are gray.

But to treat them harshly with disdain and contempt is a surefire way to get yourself into trouble one way or another. It’s a small world after all so goes the cliché. If you plant shit, expect to get shit in return.

So you should know better than to conclude that silent people/employees are:

• in a mutiny or in any coup attempt;
• very naïve and stupid for holding their peace;
• apathetic of everything and everyone;
• into office politics and that they want to be a part of it;
• the perfect sacrificial lamb when things go south;
• the best type of people to exploit ’til they bleed themselves dry;
• best treated with “it’s either you are with us or you are against us” treatment;
• disrespecting/not recognizing the authority of their bosses’ on their respective domains;
• plotting all sorts of evil to hurt their officemates and the company.

I’ve been with such generally quiet people in a team for many times already. Thank goodness I was once like them (I still am, plus the experience) that I now know how to approach and empower them without them losing their dignity and confidence (sometimes that’s all they have, especially newbies) and without me looking like a slave driver as*hole.

Not that I already have the perfect template in handling the quite ones best. But at least I can sympathize and empathize with them so I can drive my points while sparing both of us the animosity. And as such is why I thank God that I met a few people who were able to harness and cultivate the power of the quiet ones, which includes me. And in doing so, the abuse of the past stops with me instead of me passing it on to others with much gusto just to get even.

Moral of the lesson: never treat silent people with disdain. Because the slight breeze you wrongfully chastise them with today can become the worst storm you will ever reap tomorrow.

Write as if…

Write as if
your words flow
like an eternal fountain

Write as if
writing is
tantamount to breathing

Write as if
you’re stabbing yourself
with every single letter

Write as if
one more word
gets you sicker and sicker of writing

Write as if
you’d die if
you don’t stop

Write as if
you regret not writing with
the same frequency as breathing

Write
as
if
you’d
be
writing
forever
…

My Phone Broke

The LCD screen was fucked. Now it’s just streaks of red and nothing else. I can still hear messages pouring in though, it’s just that I can’t seem ’em.

I’m still waiting for it to wake up from coma but yeah, only God knows if it can still make it back alive.

So that makes me basically offline even though I still get to visit my social media accounts via somebody else’s phone.

My first thought wasn’t that I’d be gone from the online world for quite sometime. That’s the last of my worries. What annoyed me more was that we already have a lot of expenses for the month, and now this?! Thankfully though, I am not desperate to have it replaced immediately nor do I give too much fuck about any particular brand. I’m not going for broke just to have the latest iPhone or any of that shit.

There is a bit of nostalgia in going offline. In the past before Covid fucked everybody up, I was always semi offline in social media particularly Facebook. Semi because I can only have a look at my profile when I arrive home. I don’t use data or pocket wifi or any of those just to be able to peek at my profile every time I want. My focus was mostly work and WHAT I’M GOING TO WRITE NEXT.

I love and I miss that offline time a lot especially when I’m stuck in traffic. Besides, I’m too sluggish to play sprint with snatchers which is why I’ve always kept my phone on my way home. And so my ‘social media’ time was devoted to writing. Only heaven knows how many gundang writeups had been born in all those years of commuting.

In those instances that I’m not distracted with anything that can possibly catch my fancy, I was able to reconnect with myself deeply on a daily basis. So maybe this is an opportunity for me to catch up with myself.

Gains From Being “Left Behind”

Picture these:

You saw your former teammates checking the drift of an elegant looking ETABS model of a new building while you are staring at your all-too-familiar model and the pile of unanswered RFIs from the contractor…

It sucks, right? Being left to tend to an old project feels like you were cursed and destined to bear the agony of staying with your project that already lost all of its initial sparkle. That is after you finally grasped the humongous amount of work that needs to be done before seeing it reach the sky. You’re all fed up but you have no choice because you can’t just leave it untended.

While it feels like you’ve been abandoned with an old project while the others are beaming with excitement over their fresh new ones, it is important to note that there are quite a lot of NEW and important gains to achieve while you’re at it. That is, if only you are able to get past your current frustrations.

Sense of accomplishment

While being pulled out from one project to another seems like living the ultimate privileges of a bachelor which is to travel around the world with no commitments whatsoever, nothing can come at par with the sense of fulfillment brought about by being with a project from start to finish.

It means closing a project, with the client or your foreign counterpart fully satisfied with the output. It also means being at peace and happy with how the calculations turned out .

It’s the sense of accomplishing one hell of a kickass job.

You get to know what to do and what not to in your succeeding projects

From the design methodology, modelling, analysis, design, and drawings, you can only appreciate the value of different perspectives after you have seen all the factors at play. And that includes the appreciation of the inputs/restraints set by MEP in addition to the ones already set by the architects.

What does that imply? That you inched closer towards being an effective team player.

You might be impatient, bored, and fed up with the project that you are dealing with right now. But that’s nothing in comparison to what you are gaining: valuable real-life work experiences – experiences that translate to knowledge – which in turn translates to wisdom.

You get to know how to start and close a project

From the kickstart meeting up to the last calculations made and submitted, you should have noticed that everything in the project went through a process – from planning resources and setting up the design schedule up to the requisition of post design consultation fees. Or if there was none, you will realize that there should be one, and it’s supposed to be so and so based on what you have experienced.

If you’re a junior engineer, this doesn’t seem to amount to anything. You just need to finish the task given to you and that’s it. But if you’re a senior engineer or a manager, that means being able to efficiently allocate manpower resources and to manage expectations, among others.

It will test and improve your creativity

Post design queries are indeed troublesome considering that they upset the calculations already made and that they usually demand more creativity than during the design process. Whether it’s the unavailability of a certain size of a steel member, or a beam that needs to be removed, we are obliged to be creative enough to find an alternative load path that works with the current structural system considering all connections, foundations, and current reinforcement. It’s tedious of course, having to check all of that but there’s no other way.

This can really be annoying especially when you know that there is but a hairline between pass and failure of the capacity of the affected members. But yeah, we have to find ways because that’s our job, to be tougher than the structural challenges in front of us.

You as a weapon against yourself

Mistakes do happen due to miscommunication within the team, human error, etc despite of well laid plans. And this perhaps is the main reason why we dread being left behind in a project because we can become the scape goat, and that ain’t pretty.

As we expound on this, we have to establish three things:

First, we need to be responsible and accountable of all our decisions whether they are in the design execution, design methodology or our basic design assumptions. We should not act carelessly thinking the lead designer got our asses covered should things take a wrong turn. And if things turn uphill because of a wrong decision, we should have the courage to admit them and make amends.

Second, there are leaderships who will desert you when consequences of a wrong decision, regardless if it was your fault or not, haunts the project back. They will pin the blame on you, crucify you, and and cut you off immediately at a moment they find convenient.

Then there are leaderships such as those of the Dales and Garrys who will sit with you and tell you “let’s fix this.” No blaming, no demeaning comments whatsoever but just the solution oriented ‘let’s just fix this’ attitude and the kindness and sincerity for you to improve and avoid making the same mistakes in the future. This is not to say though, that committing mistakes is ok without the accountability and the responsibility to take corrective actions. But when you come across such leads, you should be grateful; everyone in the workplace is hoping they’ll find one but not everyone is as lucky as you.

There are tons of stuff you can learn from these troubleshooting instances. I suggest you ponder upon them one by one and write them all so you won’t forget.

You were not abandoned, you were “planted”

Yep, being left behind to man a project to completion isn’t so bad after all, considering all the stuff you can learn ranging from technical aspects to management. And once you get accustomed to them, the succeeding projects will no longer be that intimidating. Instead, things will be better and more exciting because you finally have a template and a game plan up on your sleeves.

Writers are Dammed Beings

We writers are “dammed” beings, equipped with overflow safety mechanisms:

1. We are damming feelings and thoughts. They store enough potential energy to move a writer to his pen and paper which in turn has the potential to change the world;
2. When the influx of feelings is too much that it threatens to drown us, they are diverted to overflow gates which are “o-penned” as needed.

Better to shiver but saying it anyway than bold but inauthentic

I Want to Become an Electrician!

I enrolled in EIM-NC2 (Electrical Installation and Maintenance – National Certification 2) in TESDA online, with the hopes of becoming knowledgeable of the in and outs of electrical wiring and installation of various electrical fixtures. By the end of the course however, I was hoping I can design an electrical system which can only be done by a duly licensed professional electrical engineer.

It’s silly alright and too lofty to even dream about. While knowing how to design the intricate electrical complex in a project is sure kickass, it’s far from what I initially envisioned when I took the course. Besides, I cannot possibly go back to university to finish an electrical engineering degree and work my way towards an REE and eventually a PEE degree.

But instead of getting frustrated, I took a deep breath and told myself that it’s going to be alright. I finished the online course which is the biggest step I had taken, in addition to amassing knowledge through observation, as far as my ‘electrical’ dreams are concerned. I should’ve been content with the stress (a healthy dose of which) brought about by being a structural engineer myself in designing the backbone of any building structure. But strange enough, I wanted to experience actual installation and wiring on site.

That’s when I realized: yes, I want to become an electrician.

Divine Inspirations

It all started with my “success story” when I was able to rewire a busted light socket outside our home. It was hard and awkward given I was a newbie in such a real-life task even if I can grasp the basics. I can still remember the excitement when I was tapping the return line in the switch, splicing wires in the junction box and light receptacle, and finally conquered my intimidation of the panel board as I tapped a wire into an existing circuit breaker. As light finally came out of the light bulb and the circuit breaker remained quiet (it didn’t trip!) I realized two things:

• First, it means I finally understood how simple electrical circuit works, and
• I can do it and I did. Sure there’s always room for improvement but I finally conquered my fear of working with something potentially capable of frying my ass provided that you give it all due respect.

It would’ve been enough to call it a day and thank the heavens that the missus is finally at peace with the new light outside but there’s a nagging feeling deep within telling me to carry on and explore further, an unsettling fire that I felt constantly tingling in my bones.

Accessing TESDA Online Programs

I had been messing with things at home ranging from roof repairs, a bit of masonry, and even carpentry when I made a sand box/litterbox. While they cajoled the animal side out of me, none came closer than the adrenaline brought about by that wiring installation.

So before that “success story”, I started watching YouTube videos on simple house electrical wirings and connections, troubleshooting, from roughing ins conduit embedment in an actual construction setting to tapping, simple repairs, and advanced topics in electrical maintenance.

After the bits and pieces that I learned gradually piled up inside my head, a buried switch deep within me started to flip. And it’s then that I realized I can no longer stand just sitting on my ass watching videos.  I want to be in the action. And that’s when I found TESDA’s online program in one of the tutorial videos I was watching.

All you need to do is to go to e-tesda.gov.ph. It’s free by the way. You only need to create an online account before you can access the courses. After which, you can go and start with the available courses which I did and finished all the lessons and completed all the courses required for Electrical Installation and Maintenance NC2.

I was so happy when I finished all 4 courses which came with corresponding certificates of completion!

1st Course

2nd Course

3rd Course

4th and Final Course

While just sitting there and finishing an online course is good enough to introduce me to my new field of interest, I know for a fact that I have to go out and do the actual work before I gain the necessary wisdom and the true feel of being an experienced electrician.

And just in case you were thinking you can have a national certificate issued by the government merely by watching and answering online modules, well, you have to do more than that. You will have to actually go to TESDA in person or a TESDA accredited training center for an actual face-to-face evaluation with an inspector. You need to pass the actual assessment before you will be given a national certificate. And it’s needless to say (but I’ll say it anyway) that the benefits of having a certificate to none is a no-brainer.

What’s in it for me

Given the chance and the leeway from my current full-time work, I would definitely go to a training center and officially enroll and by God’s grace, finish the course. Electrical installation has become an art for me, much like writing or my full-time job as a civil/structural design engineer.

I want to feel the thrill and master the art of assembling the panel board with circuit breakers; I want to tap the wires from the service drop to the meter base; I want to wire three-way and four-way switches; I want to learn how to install a sub-meter; I want to install the fire alarm system which includes smoke detectors and alarm bells; I want to be able troubleshoot electrical problems at home; I want to use my analog multimeter tester extensively; I want to know how electrical works in buildings in which my only concern before were the beams, columns, walls, slabs, and foundations; I want to see how it is to work as part of an electrical maintenance team.

It’s not that I would one day give up my current job and be a full-time electrician. I have a family to support and feed, and our needs are growing such that being a newbie electrician, no matter how noble a profession it is, can never adequately support.

Be that as it may, I already started embracing it as a new part of me.

Sign of getting old?!

While it sure is a man’s responsibility to first and foremost develop his thinking capacity and to keep on learning and improving for himself and his family, there comes a time when you will realize that you need to be doing something physical, a certain trade, and get good at it whatever it is. While some may find that in carpentry or working with machines among others, I found that in becoming an electrician (I’m claiming the title now).

There is inner peace and there is nobility to which. I am an artist and this is my art. There is service that I can offer my family and others. And there is that sense of fulfillment in doing something that I love and the achievement of being recognized as the electrician as I am among my other skills. And there is immense pride as I can refer to myself as the handy man of the house!

A gratitude a day, keeps a shitty attitude away

Thank You Lord for the sun
for enabling things to get done,
and thank You Lord for the rain
as an icing on today’s gains…

BSKE

It works! 🤣

Never underestimate the power of a missus’ “romantic nag” when it comes to building your life skills.

I previously thought it just takes an engineering degree and license to excel in life and nothing more. Turns out, you need to be more than that if you are to survive life with the missus, hence I painstakingly acquired the following additional degrees in:

• babysitting
• cooking
• housekeeping
• carpentry
• masonry
• plumbing, and my latest acquired degree:

BSKE – Bachelor of Science in Kunwari (Pseudo) Electrician 🤣🤣🤣

Learned the basics of wiring and the use of plastic moulding. Pardon the darkness.

Messy wiring in the junction box.

Junction box with cover for safety.

Still intimidated but no longer too intimidated with circuit breakers. I tapped the blue return line on the bottom right of the rightmost breaker.

My newest pal. No, I can’t afford an original 😀

Happy 8th Blogging Anniversary to Me!

I never thought I’d be able to keep on blogging for 8 long years. Had my shares of a lot of downs punctuated with a few ups. The ride was crazy and a lot of times tough. But looking back, it was a lot of fun.

I learned a lot about other stuff. Learned a lot about people. Most important of all, I learned a lot about myself.

While I didn’t yet attain the exposure and fame I wished I had in comparison with other more influential bloggers, I learned to love my craft nonetheless. If I had in a way entertained others beyond myself, I’m grateful for the opportunity, ’twas indeed a big bonus for this eccentric writer.

Hoping God will give me more years to continue with the craft that heals and nurtures my soul.

Cheers to all bloggers!

Nobody notices you and your art? Here’s why it can be good for you

Painting by Leonid Afremov, taken from the Internet

Whether you’re writing in a blog, singing in a WeSing app, or collecting Gundam action figures, you would at some point want somebody else to notice you for it. Anyone who’d say otherwise is being a hypocrite.

But try as we may, the truth is we cannot all be Homer, Edgar Allan Poe, Tolkien, or J. K. Rowling. Like myself who had been writing for like, forever, but I still wasn’t able to build a steady audience. It’s really annoying that thinking of calling it quits sounds appealing at times.

But despite of the frequent heartaches when I realize that no one’s listening/reading, and my posts are not getting viral or influential in terms of today’s social media standards, I found out that it helps undress one’s goals down to the basics – sans the ego and the pride.

As it turns out, not having a mighty throng of followers and double digit reactions on my posts is a good acid test to purify my allegiance to my chosen art.

It’s a test of how much you really love your art

How did you find out that you really love your art that you feel you cannot live without it? Because somebody told you you’re good at it?

Or is it because you feel renewed and that everything falls into place every time you’re doing your art?

When I’m writing, I’m transported to a place called my “flow”, the instance Susan Cain describes as being totally engrossed in activities where you feel you could go on at it for a long time because it neither bores you nor does it make you anxious. And the presence of spectators hardly matters when you’re in your inner sanctuary.

It will remind you that you’re not a clown and you need not be one

The trend is, we tend to show off all the more when we realize that someone is watching, especially when that someone is impressed. And why not?! It’s an opportunity to showcase what we’re good at, and a good way to increase our market value in an ever competitive world.

But in doing so, we inevitably cross from time to time, the fine line into becoming a clown thinking it’s our job to keep people amused. The problem with that, is that there is this imaginary pressure to perform well, every time, all the time or else we’ll lose all the admiration and praises our egos have earned so far. And so in our attempts to sustain reaping “good results” (which we inevitably fail later on!) we tend to lose ourselves which is just as sad as losing the uniqueness of who we truly are.

Pure creation unspoiled by the need to impress

Creating something without imposed pressure from anything or anyone is priceless. What comes out is purely a product of what comes out from the bottom of one’s soul which is either full of light or cloaked in total darkness or a mixture of both. It comes unhindered by fear and unviolated by somebody else’s expectations.

It’s a test of faithfulness

Art is like a wife who will demand one’s faithfulness and absolute honesty. And a crowd or the lack of which, is a test of how you much you love your art. It’s a test of how faithful you are to your calling – that you won’t leave her for the sake of anyone’s applause.

Let us therefore bring out the art which is painstakingly borne from the depth of our souls – untainted with the fact that someone somewhere is watching.

Playing God

Perhaps the main reason why we cannot sustain playing God for too long is because of our proficiency in building our egos while inevitably/deliberately neglecting our characters.”

名前がない男の人

Writers Are Dangerous People by Nikita Gill

Never take a writer
for granted.

They are snipers
armed with words.
They know
how to aim
with sentences,
how to fire
with paragraphs,
and
how to immortalise
their kills
in verse.

by: Nikita Gill

Moving In Etiquette

We ought to normalize having a quiet demeanor when moving into a new house, whether you’re renting an apartment or moving in to a place you will call home. It’s nothing much actually, just a quiet arrival, quiet setting up and settling.

I get it, moving furniture, a little chatter to put things in their proper places and all that is understandable. But bringing with you a whole Barangay of people chatting and shouting all at the same time?

How about all the heart pounding bass of R&B in your stereo? I could’ve joined the head bang when it’s rock and alternative (I don’t have any beef with R&B, it’s just that we all have our biases that we need not explain to everyone.)

The ruckus gets extended to way past midnight. And in less than four hours, the loud and annoying bass of R&B and the babbling and shouting are in it again to greet you “good fucked-up early morning fucking neighbours!” Isn’t all that too much to announce your arrival?

To be quiet isn’t too much to ask, right? It’s not like questioning you as a legitimate occupant and all that. You own the place, fine. But at least respect the neighborhood especially if it’s a quiet one. For sure there are children and folks working from home who needs anything but a blaring bass and a noisy chitchat.

Or at least in the mean time, use that momentary silence as an observation period of the neighborhood you’re moving into. If everyone else has blaring speakers and is disrespectful of everyone else’s quiet space, then good for you. Welcome to the jungle. I hope you’ll succeed in the race towards pissing your neighbors totally and ruining everybody’s day.

You may be excited moving in, but yeah, be quiet please. Besides, not all is excited to have entitled pricks in their neighborhood.

To all struggling content creators like me, in finding their audience (lifted from a social media post)

If you’re a creator and you needed to hear this today:

You have no idea how many people lurk on your work. No idea how many times people go back to revisit your work. How big they smile when they simply think about your work. How fast their heart beats, how excited they get when they see that you posted something.

People are shy with their feedback. Sometimes it’s because they’re simply shy. Other times it’s because they assume you already know how great and talented you are. Could be both.

My point is, even if you barely have any likes or reblogs, don’t get discouraged. You have a lot of silent fans, but they are still your fans. Keep on creating. Because there is always someone out there who will love what you have made.

Miranda warning for married men (as administered by wives)

1. You don’t have any right at all but to remain silent;
2. Anything you say will always, without fail, be used against you;
3. You already quashed your right to have anyone to speak for you the moment we said our “I do’s”;
4. If you cannot afford an attorney (of course you don’t!) you may call your mom. As if that’s gonna help, though! (eyerolls)
5. Do you understand the rights I have just read to you? Good. Now refer back to number 1.

I asked God for a little more rain

I asked God for a little more rain
to adorn the trees and my window pane
to alleviate the nightmare of reality
and wake up to the paradise of what should be

But to my dismay
the sun have shown its might
not a drop fell but a blinding light
so I asked Him –

“Why?
for I always wanted the cold stormy sky
that in peace my mind too shall fly
and plunge in the rain clouds passing by…”

And He answered

“Sunshine or rain, it’s not for you to say
and neither the rain that you desire
to come now or another day.

I heard your prayers for serenity
brought about by the drizzle
but some pleaded for sunshine
for their dreams already fizzled.

While in the storm you learned to dance in the rain,
take advantage of the sun, for there is so much to gain…”

Rain + Relaxing Music = Healing and Balance

Blessed are those who understand how the rain and relaxing music bring forth healing and balance, not depression and gloom, in a world that seeks eternal sunshine.“

名前がない男の人

Watching “君の名は” again no longer made me hate my current circumstances anymore

I consider it an achievement.

Finally, I was able to just have that satisfied smile on my face instead of wishing myself on Taki’s place, speaking Japanese, being Japanese, living in Japan, and in turn loathing why I am here where I currently am.

日本語が上手道へ

I hope I already made a breakthrough on self-studying 日本語, like finding/discovering the most effective method without getting frustrated in the end. Frustrations brought about by slow progress, not being able to read a kanji that I know I’ve already encountered for many times now and the thought of the possibility that I might never be able to go to Japan at all. It’s hard to keep yourself motivated to learn while thinking you might never use your target language at all, except for some occasional Facebook posts that hopefully would attract Japanese people that I can interact with.

All of those thoughts are very counter productive indeed.

It was a stressful experience, trying to keep your hopes high and at the same time thinking that it might never happen at all – me going to Japan and all that. Yep, I shoot my proverbial foot at times. So in order to reduce the stress, I tried to back off. I stopped reading ebooks and just got contented looking at short Facebook posts written in Japanese. When it’s hard to understand, I just look at the pics and try to guess the text through the context.

I even tried to convince myself that it is not for me, that I should just focus my efforts and thoughts on everything else where I can be productive. I want to increase my proficiency in English so learning Japanese side by side might just sabotage all that effort hence at times, I drown my desire to learn 日本語 by writing more in English or in my native tongue.

I thought it’d be that easy. In fact I wish it’d been that easy but boy I was mistaken.

Everytime I see an anime scenery, background music in piano, hiragana katakana or Kanji, the dying ember that I believed it was, is fanned to its original infernal proportions once more.

Ok, I told myself, I may not be able to escape these deeply rooted-feelings of learning the language, loving the language. I may not in an instant learn 日本語, but I can at least ‘enjoy’ the learning process.

“Those who cannot be happy wherever they are, can neither find that happiness elsewhere no matter how far.“

I’ve already come across this before. I even victoriously surmounted the hell of wanting things at some point. But I didn’t think I’d fall for it again.

That, is none other than the pain of wanting something. It makes you think and feel that you’re incomplete, lacking, and undone. Nothing will complete you unless you’ve had that experience – and that is speaking fluent 日本語 and going/living in Japan. It’s a plain old form of materialism except for substituting experiences instead of anything tangible such as possessions.

Ok where do I begin to heal myself? How do I phrase my affirmations?

1. I am happy wherever I am today except that I am not in Japan which could’ve made it more awesome. (How do I counter that?!)
2. I am happy whatever language I am proficient with at the moment except that I am still not proficient in 日本語 which could’ve made it more awesome. (Again, how do I counter that?!)
3. I’ll just imagine wherever I am today is Japan so I can be happy. (Tough luck eh?!)

If this waiting is just a test of how much I want this, isn’t it enough that I feel the same intensity of fervor in learning the language just like the first time that I tried because I couldn’t stand not knowing how to read, write, and speak the language?

Don’t get me wrong. I love my family, my job, my home, and who I am today even if I am making a rant in this article (one of the few rants that I am immortalizing). But there are things that I wanted to achieve that is outside of my circle of reach.

Did I lie by stating the title of this article?

I didn’t. As I’ve said, I didn’t feel frustrated anymore after watching 君の名は after the nth time. The story is still good just the way it is. Nothing overdone but it is still potent in getting to the emotion of anyone who allow themselves to get vulnerable every once in a while.

I just hope I can take it slow in terms of learning my second language though, for I believe it is my first language in my past life. On where to strike a balance everyday without losing my wits in regrets, well I still have to figure that out.

君と大雨が大好き(I Love You and the Heavy Rains)

Tokyo, June 2021. 1753 hours

“It’s like that mystical land in my dreams…”

Eikichi Nishioka (西岡英吉) sits glued on his seat, his memory lost in time in front of the window of their home in the suburbs of Tokyo. The PC beside him doesn’t exist to him even if it’s playing melancholic music on the background which blends perfectly with the heavy downpour outside. He barely noticed the occasional raindrops that are slammed in the window because of the slight breeze. That, and the distant, blurred lights puncturing the incoming darkness added to the mysticism.

The periodic tapping of the rain reminded him of his love of rock music and that wouldn’t budge for anything related to pop. But whenever he hears a background music of soft piano like his current respite, he is immediately spellbound that he couldn’t resist it. Sometimes he considers himself lucky for knowing such depth while the rest of the world abhors anything ankle deep. Sometimes, he considers it a curse because he keeps coming back to it despite of it rending his very being when his soul resonates with the music.

Rain is another thing. He’d been a pluviophile for, well only God knows how long. But a melancholic music plus 雨 (ame) is just something else. It’s as if a wormhole opens to the unknown depths of his feelings and soul from hither and beyond.

In those instances, the feeling of being somewhere in time is so strong that he is momentarily transported to what he believed is the parallel universe that he had been obsessing about. Sometimes, it was a pleasant visit. Most of the time however, it was a guaranteed frustration when he realize that he can’t stay there forever.

I’ve been here before. I know it. I can feel that familiar peace. A profound peace that no spring nor summer can bring about.

Others say it’s gloomy, that the sky is in deep sorrow hence the presence of torrential tears in the form of rain outside. ばかもの! (Idiots) What do they know?!

Besides, the rain’s the only friend I can trust with my secrets. At least we both found audiences in each other, a great pal who I can share the absurdity and grandness of life. Its soft tapping sound in the pavement, on my roof, the plants and trees are all invitations for meditation, peace, and wonder. Only in silence can I hear the stories it tells me as I get lost contemplating in its beautiful rhythm.

But while there’s immense peace and fulfillment, I cannot deny the feeling, that something which I can only describe in an understatement as melancholic. It is while listening to the melody of the rain that I experience that deep longing for something, someone so dear and how it rends my heart in pieces. I’ve already met her, in fact I’ve been seeing her for quite sometime now in my dreams and in my epiphanies.

Yep, it’s her alright. It’s so unnerving that I’ve already invested a lot of myself on her emotionally. Crazy right?! How I wish she was like some 変態 (hentai) model in a 雑誌 (magazine) that that old fart Shinimura gave me a few years ago. You know, just to have someone in your mind to toy around with just to past time and that’s it, you’re good and you’re done. ‘Til the next issue.

But I can’t quite comprehend why I kept seeing her. Not nude by the way or slutty or anything that my sometimes エロ (erotic) mind can come up with. But I kept seeing her in that particular rainy day such as this. That smile while she’s all soaked in her kimono feels nothing less than home. Like we’ve known each other for more than a couple of lifetimes.

And in those instances that we meet, she doesn’t get intimidated at all by the katana and wakizashi (the main long sword and the shorter one, respectively, that samurais take with them in feudal Japan) on my waist nor with the blood stains on my hands.

I’m surprised myself, not just on her reaction but why I have such traditional weapons with me. I’m a generally peaceful guy who just loves being left alone to my sometimes sacred and sometimes vile thoughts. But combat? Hell no. Of course I occasionally picture myself as mankind’s last hope, exacting justice for all the injustices done in the world. But with my physique, I can only hope I’d last in a real battlefield for 10 minutes. (I’m just an average guy, unlike sumo wrestlers or Arnold Zwa-, fuck it, the terminator guy, pronouncing his name is a nightmare ever since.) The last thing I’d want to do is to plunge a wakizashi in my hara (abdomen) while my captor bellows like crazy cutting my head off with his katana. やばいね. No thanks. Not with all modern Tokyo has to offer.

Hard as it is to imagine, that was a part of me a long long time ago. That I’m sure of. How do I know? I can feel it. Every atom in my body knows it. I just hope I was a victor back then and not the decapitated guy.

But I may had been the conqueror not the conquered, as the rain suggested. It was so vivid: the feelings of anger, regret, confusion, and the blood in my hands all went down the drain in that rainy afternoon while she held my hand. And even when everything was hazy because of the heavy downpour, there was that glint of invincible spring in her eyes. I might have forgotten all the other details surrounding that but I’d bet my head off, I will recognize her, I will be sure it will be her judging by that glimmer of yearning in her eyes.

– x – x –

Edo Period, June 1827. 1753 hours

Yumiko Suzuki’s (鈴木佑三子) definition of privilege is stting on her tatami mat while watching the ooame (大雨 ) outside. After finishing her chores early on that day, her mother allowed her to indulge on her favorite past time.

Now here she is, savoring eternity in every raindrop that falls as the heavy rain pounds the sakura tree outside and is swaying due to the gentle breeze. Her friends loathe a down pour such as this. But how can she? This is the only instance that she can have peace in their otherwise tumultuous family, a profound peace that she can only experience on a magical time such as this.

That, and something else. Her wishful thinking sounds strange to her sometimes but she didn’t care at all.

I hope this rain will never end. I want to see him again. I need to see his face and that glint on his eyes. I need to see him again…

femme fatale

She looks lovely she can be deadly. She wears this short red dress and pedestaled on her 6 inches high stilettos.

I lay there flat on my back gasping for breath, trying to fight the suffocation from the blood gushing out of my mouth. My body is useless, lifeless like a scarecrow in the middle of the vast ocean.

“Who are you?” I tried to ask but it just sounded like gargles, meaningless mumbles.

She sat on my crotch. I can still see her cleavage, the lovely lumps that I indulged on earlier. She bent over until I can feel her breath on my ears. Damn her and her feminine fragrance.

“Thank you, I had fun. By the way, the name’s Lilith” she said as she got up and slowly walked out of the room. I could only follow her in a gaze, on her back and down to her lovely buttocks that was enhanced by her tightfitting dress, savoring the memory of what had been my toy just a few minutes ago…

To those who we were supposed to rub with in order to get polished but ended up cutting each other instead

I do acknowledge that you might have been hurting.

A harrowing childhood experience, trust issues, the hurtful and unfair ways that others treated you – it can be any combination of these or for any other reason.

I’d like you to know that I understand.

And that I know pain too.

It’s just that, I already painstakingly taught myself to use that pain not to exact vengeance or inflict others with the same pain to avenge life’s injustice towards me. I used it to realize why it’s completely useless to pass that pain to others. So instead, I harnessed it in order to be kinder towards other people and thus produce something good and worthwhile. It was tough, but I thank God for giving me a chance to practice to be a bit better everyday.

I am also trying hard day by day not to don the armor of the “victim” to render myself impregnable to all sorts of attack.

Your struggles and pains are all valid. And none of it doesn’t count just because somebody said they weren’t.

It’s just that –

I need to tell you strongly to NOT DO IT TO ME. As I have said, you have your reasons. The problem is, I am not yet in my higher self to sympathize with you or to help you fix yourself. Sure I am working on it every day but please understand that you picked the wrong guy who you thought would want to be a part of your pain in order to help you understand your shadow.

I haven’t reached that level yet that I will feel pity towards you on why the world was so unfair that it treated you as such.

And don’t expect that I will fully understand your antics, rhetoric, and the harm you intended me and everyone who you thought was fit to be a recipient of your hurtful mirror.

It was very unfortunate that we both met in such a wrong time and the wrong circumstances. It was also unfortunate that I will have to consider what transpired in between us as something that is not worth getting back to. There are memories which you will wish would just be buried somewhere meant to be forgotten, and never to be exhumed again. This will definitely be one of those.

Be kind, make that choice

In the same way that we can view unpleasant experiences with people as either the universe’s biggest mistake or a “necessary evil” towards the best that we can be, it is also our choice to treat people such that they will either remember us 1. as someone who cared, or 2. as the terrible nightmare that they’re glad they have waken up from.

名前がない男の人

Necessary ultra electromagnetic evil

There is no such thing as the “wrong” people. There are only those who can be referred to as the “necessary evils” to serve as a reminder for us to be more thankful of our current blessings.

名前がない男の人

The book makes the man

If I were to describe myself by the books that I read, I’d say 5% of the time I’m sluggishly flipping through the pages of Dale Carnegie’s “How to Win Friends and Influence People” and the remaining 95%, I would be digging with much gusto and taking everything to heart Sun Tzu’s “The Art of War”.

– 名前がない男の人

Rhythm of the Rain

As the summer slowly ebbs away
The rain comes at the end of the day
I thought I’d miss the sweltering heat
But what’s not to love in the rain drops’ beat!

The quickest way to parallel universes

Photo by Rachel Claire on Pexels.com

Contrary to popular belief, the way towards parallel universes depends neither on the advancement of science nor by reincarnation and all that. If we want to experience a different world or a different reality, all we have to do is to change our everyday choices.

名前がない男の人

I burned my diary

I burned my diary
in which the flame
gobbled greedily
Twas a delight
watching it on fire
with a devil’s grin
and maniacal desire
it’s worth every hurt
and every pain
watching them die
but not in vain
Previous desires
irreverent thoughts
so are bittersweet ones
I’ve forgotten most
All turned to ashes
leaving a scent
sweet as incense
an offering to the Muse
that I frequently abused

The Paranormal Case of the Vanishing Water In An Open Water Container

Truly it was strange and a bit freaky, it seemed “out of this world”.

The water level was up to the red line, initially. The faucet where the hose was attached was left open after the vexatious daily water interruption. After leaving it there for quite some time, my lady observed that the water was reduced and asked if I happened to take water from it. I said no. I thought it was the kid, the likely suspect who frequently sneaks outside to do something to spend his juvenile energies with. But no, he didn’t go out at all.

So it wasn’t anyone of us. Spooky indeed.

This isn’t the first instance we encountered such a weird phenomenon. Same stories had been circulating in our subdivision’s Facebook page. It was much worse though. The story is that a drum-full of water is stored in a house just beside a water refilling station. The hose was still in the drum, with the end fully submerged in water and the faucet is intentionally left often, which was often the case since the water supply isn’t available 24 hours.

The owner of the drum-full of water was shocked when he found out that nothing was left of his water supply except for an inch from the bottom of the container. What’s strange is, the owner observed a negative pressure from the end of the hose (suction). This happened at the same time that the pumps of the water refilling station adjacent to them are turned on.

Can it be the same reason why a significant amount of water we stored went poof, and gone? There isn’t a water refilling nearby though but could the presence of booster pumps be the reason?

Pseudo Scientific Method 1 – Form Hypotheses

I thought this peculiar phenomenon is caused by either of the following:

1. Either we developed momentary amnesia that we forgot it was actually US who took some water from outside.
2. Evaporation. It’s hot and humid outside, and it’s summer y’know.
3. There is a leak somewhere in the container.
4. It’s suctioned by a pumping device.

Can any of these be the culprit? Let’s see.

Pseudo Scientific Method 2 – Testing the Hypotheses

Investigating the presented hypotheses above:

1. It’s not anyone of us. End of story.
2. Come on, really?!
3. There’s none.
4. Well that’s a possibility.

But before we can conclude that it was suctioned by a pumping device, the following has to be established.

Pseudo Scientific Method 3 – Further Deductions

1. Is there any device installed that would otherwise prevent backflow (because that would prevent suction which in turn would render the suction theory improbable)?
2. Would the current water line system at some point naturally experience backflow?
3. Is there anybody else in the neighborhood who experiences the same difficulties in water supply?
4. Are there businesses that would require a water supply that is greater than the average domestic consumption?
5. Do you know anyone in the neighborhood who uses more than the usual household consumption?
6. Are there any broken water distribution lines somewhere?

Pseudo Scientific Method 4 – Final Deductions

Answering the previous questions:

1. There are no check valves (something you attach to the distribution pipeline to prevent backflow) used. There are only the gate valve and the water meter. Water meters don’t have built-in check valves inside.
2. No/Highly unlikely. Main source of water is a non-pressurized overhead water tank whose primary mechanism is gravity flow.
3. There are lots of them, lots of us in distress who are ready to call foreign intervention if possible.
4. Water refilling stations. How their businesses survive despite the water supply problem is as intriguing as Big Bang itself.
5. No one in particular, or none that is observable. The culprit by the way, need not possess a water business, everyone can just buy one.
6. None. That I am sure because otherwise, everyone will be affected and it should’ve already manifested. Unless someone opens a hydrant which would drain all the water from the tank and all the water lines.

Now, based on the above, I can concur with certainty that the curious paranormal case of the reduced water in the container is caused not by some evil spell nor by restless spirits, but by none other than selfish dickheads with their illegally installed booster pumps.

いつ時かくる、日本へ。

Masaki Tokutomi _ Flickr

The deluge of the concoction of feelings of tranquility, envy, and frustration…

いつ時かくる、日本へ。

I Will Compose Melancholic Tunes

I will compose melancholic tunes
that’s guaranteed to conjure the gloom
and the depression
welcomed back home

I’d listen intently
with eyes closed
and heart and mind open
and long for that part of me
who left before I was born
and wandered
in it’s own leisure
strutting
into the woods
in the midst of the storm
into the wilderness
in the land of nowhere
and there laid his head
took a nap
lived in a different realm
and failed to return

I want to write a sad tune
that’ll always
commemorate
the part of my soul
that left a void
and got replaced with
eternal rain
flooding my being
seeping into
the depths
the crevices
deep within

I will play the sad tunes
nonstop
so I’ll be able
to come back again
and again
and again
to celebrate the day
I’ve lost that something
but had
all the world’s
melancholia
to obtain
with the wine of suffering
and a gloomy melody
to console the loss
and commemorate the gain

Touch not my diary!

Touch not my diary
and leave my thoughts alone!
For you are not permitted to peer
inside my thoughts
made tangible
through scribbles and notes.

You are not permitted
inside my sanctuary
and neither are you allowed
of the vileness of my world
and the sanctity of my core.

You mustn’t see all the blood
I spilled all over the floor
nor the stains left off my enemies
I splattered on the walls.

You are not entitled to see
when I bleed
my pain
and my agony
nor the torrential tears I’d shed
turned to ink
and spilled on paper
It’s for me and me alone
and as such, when you dare to look
a heinous crime is done.

It is where I mourned
the thousand deaths of me
and where all of the ashes
forever betrothed to the sea.

It was also the sole witness
together with God himself
how from the ashes
a new me came forth and was born.
Torn to bits and pieces though I was
everyday I’m getting fixed,
getting built to last.

So touch not my diary
you insolent swine!
To your pen, go on and roam
and leave all my thoughts alone!

Don’t Throw Shades, Cast Them!

Don’t be bothered when people are throwing shade at you. As long as you’re not hurting or maligning anyone, just let them be. The best you can do is to collect all of those shades thrown at you and pile ’em up as you continuously work on yourself, until you’ve become better and grown enough that you didn’t realize you’ve already casted a shadow on them.

– 名前がない男の人

“The opposite of love is not hate, it’s apathy.” – Elie Wiesel

Let us be careful that we don’t drive the ones we love to the point of no return. That, is when they no longer give a damn.

We may drive them to fits of laughter in one instance and then swing to the other extreme end of sorrow/rage. If they are still right beside us after all of those roller coaster rides, we are damn sure lucky sons of bitches. 

But when we drive them across their Rubicons, to the point that they are already numb and they no longer give a shit even if we pour in everything we’ve got ’til kingdom come just to get them back, then we’ll know that THAT right there is the turning point.

And more often than not, there’s no going back after that. 

Technically Correct

Being technically correct is when you refer to any father as “motherfucker”.

Julius Caesar’s PE Problem

Problematic Julius Caesar desperately trying to conquer his PE problem using the ‘mind over matters’ technique:

I conquered.

I saw.

I came.”

“Veni. Vidi. Foeto”

Julius Caesar when he first saw his pregnant wife:

“I came.
I saw.
I impregnated.”

Is Air-con a Necessity or a Luxury?

I used to envy people who have ACUs (air-conditioning units) in their homes when I was a kid. What’s not to envy when all you have to fend off the heat is an electric fan that just circulates the same humid air, right?

And in addition to that, I thought having one epitomizes a well-off type of living. After all, they have more than what they need (an electric fan as a minimum would suffice, or so I thought) so that should make it a luxury.

Fast forward to today in the midst of the scorching heat of summer. We’re kilometers away from the hustle and bustle of the metro, in a small house within a small lot with trees all around. The setting is typical of a countryside; trees abound and shrubs dominate most of the landscape. The presence of vegetation and the relatively low amounts of pollution make it possible to sleep at night tucked beneath our blankets without the need of an air-con.

That, I came to realize, is luxury: when air-con is no longer a necessity to counter the sweltering heat. And contrary to the popular notion that surrounding yourself with everything man-made is king, experiencing nature in itself and reaping all of its benefits is in its truest sense, a bona fide luxury.

Humans’ Basic Need of Self-Expression

Aside from the physiological needs of humans such as food and oxygen, the frequently neglected and oftentimes deemed unnecessary need to survive on our sojourn in life is to be able to express ourselves.

It’s not the type of expression that springs from the insecure ego who constantly demands likes and applause just to have itself validated. It’s the expression that is borne out of necessity. The necessity and the urgency to express yourself without the need of outside validation, or else you’ll die. It’s that kind of expression that we need to hone so that we can harness its healing power and the inner peace that it brings.

What keeps us however from getting in touch with our expressive side which has the potential of healing our souls, is our lack of courage to pursue them wholeheartedly. Because of our fears, primarily the fear of being misunderstood among others, we tend to tiptoe with half-assed efforts instead of engaging it with all our soul, with all our might, and in the fullness of our selves. And in doing so, we fail to unlock the full potential of that self-expression, which adds to our current suffocation and sickness of reality.

It’s only after we render ourselves vulnerable to our self-expressions will we be able to discover the strength we need to keep us up on our feet, and the hope that tomorrow will be better, if not the best that is yet to come for us.

So write that poetry that had been bugging you for quite some time now. Draw that abstract idea, paint that rather absurd image that resides in your head even if the only word that the world will ever describe it is ‘nonsensical’. Sing like the world’s an open stadium with no other humans around. Dance such that gods and goddesses that ever were will be put to shame.

You may not have created something that will outshine John Keats, Pablo Picasso, Bob Dylan or Michael Jackson. But it doesn’t matter. It’s because you were able to achieve something far more important than what you were able to realize:

You’ve been able to breathe.

And in the process of breathing, you were able to make somebody else breathe as well.

Caveats on using sarcasm

Whilst working on your wit and sarcasm
be sure to include your patience to sharpen
not just your bloody axe or handy hatchet
lest you lose your cool
and split in half the unwitting fool

que habla español

I can’t help it sometimes but be amazed at how fluent I am in Spanish. I don’t need somebody to speak Spanish with actually. In fact, it just comes naturally especially when I am startled or surprised.

Like that one time when the little boy was about to plug in the electric fan. Acting on pure instinct, I flew from where I was seated, my aim was to reach the plug before it reaches the socket.

The corner of the wall however, caught my right pinky toe bending it at a 90 degree angle. Thankfully, I made it just in time to grab the plug from his hands.

It was mixed emotions after that. I was relieved I had the plug, but I couldn’t remember the feeling of “relief” other than the pain that ensued. I fought back the urge to bellow in rage but I managed to let out a barrage of pure Spanish words and phrases after that.

“Litsi!!!”

Why do we ever have to leave good mentors and bosses?

One of the hardest parts of leaving a workplace is leaving a good friend, mentor, or boss behind. I myself at several times in my career had a hard time processing the thought that I lost an ally, a friend, and a guide.

But of course as such is life. And in as much as I’d like to fret and get depressed over my loss of a good mentor, I realized that it’s just the way it is: a natural process of life that we have to accept.

Nevertheless, it’s but human that we feel upset as we look back at people that we lost in the process of moving on: those who had been our brothers and sisters at work, the very people who we shed metaphorical blood with when the times got rough and tough, and also the ones we shared revelries with after a successful project delivery.

What’s comforting to know is that they left us something worthwhile, something more important than the reason why the heavens allowed that we’ll no longer be mentored by such great teachers.

It was intended for us to learn to stand on our own sturdy legs

The downside of working with great mentors is we may inadvertently develop a complacent type of dependence. Of course it is a vital quality of a team to become mutually dependent of one another based on one’s respective role. And this is not to say that working under a boss whose values do not resonate with us is better.

But the danger of which is we may become inflicted with a debilitating dependence where you become too relaxed and indolent because of the thought that someone got you covered no matter what.

At a certain point in our lives whether we will still be in the same industry or not, we will be in charge to hold the line and be accountable for our actions. In those instances, it will no longer be our good mentors who will be there to save us. By then, it will all be up to us.

They came to illuminate our way

For me, good teachers are all God-sent angels in disguise, meant to show us the first and essential steps, if not the whole way. If you’re not into theology, it’s the universe or destiny or their calling to guide our souls in our journey towards the realization of our own potentials.

Before our guides came, we had been wandering in darkness lost in a labyrinth of pathways that lead to some place only God knows where. Then came our good mentors holding a lamp. The lamp may not be as bright as a supernova to bring everything to light but it is bright enough to guide us in our succeeding steps.

And if we’re closely paying attention, our good mentors did not just show us the way. More importantly, they showed us how it’s done properly. Correctly. Efficiently.

And even if what we’ve learned from them isn’t the superb way of doing things, they still left us something of equal importance: they left us something to begin with. It’s enough to get us started, to explore other options and to improve them. How kickass can that be?

‘Thank you, sensei!’

Great teachers and bosses come and go. We cannot expect to hold on to such great blessings for too long, right? After all, there are blessings that are meant to be shared anyway.

And as it turns out, they never really left us at all. Because good mentors and bosses left behind in us a good part of themselves.

Boomer Journals 9 – DBE: The Art of Balancing Iron Hands With Kindness

The game was Lucky 9. I was not completely hopeless, I had cards to play with: 7 and 3. And nothing else. It’s not much but I had to play nonetheless…

My 7 and 3 cards were introversion and the lack of experience (I had a previous work experience albeit negligible) which consequently added to my already dismal levels of self confidence.

Despite the overwhelming odds, I still consider myself lucky even if I haven’t felt as such right at the moment. And that’s because I was fortunate enough to work a decade ago under the management of our project manager, DBE.

The Alpha Manager

He was fondly known in the company with those initials. He was a skillful white-haired leader of the project site who delivered countless monumental projects to completion in an orderly, honest, and efficient fashion. He knows his psychology so well as he dealt skillfully with everyone in the project site from the laborers up to the project owner.

He was a strongman, highly experienced trouble-shooter, with an unbelievable presence of mind, and a master of “psywarring”. Due to his results oriented work attitude, he was often portrayed as a tough guy and unforgiving such that many that I knew trembled at the mere mention of his initials.

He was good natured during my interview though, far from what I’d learn later so I didn’t see that side of him just yet. But after a few days and weeks, I saw his deadly precision and smoldering passion for the projects that he handles. Slowly, I came to realize that my role under his team was something I didn’t think I was prepared to execute. At some point I told myself uh-oh, this sure is going to be the end of me.

A walk in Jurassic Park

Working under his command wasn’t a walk in the park. Well it may had been albeit, from the punch lines of the late Senator Miriam Defensor Santiago, it was a stroll in Jurassic Park. Site work demands your toughness: physically, mentally, and emotionally. I knew I can survive the physical but I was doubtful of the other two.

Supposed to be, site engineers should be assertive mini project managers in the job site. You should be as shrewd as the owner in making sure that everything in the project from manpower to materials are all in their tiptop shape; and an overseer who makes sure that daily operations run smoothly and have all the edges ironed out. Sleep and rest should be nonexistent entries in your lexicon.

Yep, that’s the way it should be. Or else, how can you deal with subcontractors, your fellow engineers, suppliers, bosses, and owners, site issues, and all that chaos in a daily basis?!

He expected us, me specifically, to be proactive with all the activities. Even if I was nearly paralyzed with fear of falling short of his expectations, I did my best with all honesty . But that didn’t stop him from all his refreshing “pananabon” or reprimands because of my lapses. He didn’t want any half-assed efforts, so I still pushed myself to focus even if I cannot help it sometimes but to dream far beyond the sun of a structural design job which I deemed as a job more suitable to introverts and “unassertive” individuals like myself at the time, and not the pushy site engineer that I need to be.

I cannot just leave because I couldn’t afford not to work so I tried to stay with it and bear with paying my tuition, despite my violent protests to my role. But even so, I still tried to be at my best even if the only motivation I can think of at the time was to evade getting admonished by him.

That’s what the work demanded from us. It’s one hell of a job, but it was a job that has to be done nonetheless.

Choosing to be kind in a rather unkind situation

There was a time when I had to go to one of our dumpsites to check why our dump trucks couldn’t make it back immediately. I stayed there until past noon when I was sure that there will be no more delays in disposing filling materials. When I made it back to the job site, it was already but a few minutes before the resumption of operations in the afternoon.

When they saw me, they all told me that they accidentally forgot all about me and that they weren’t able to set aside my lunch (we pitch in our contributions for our lunch which will be cooked in the makeshift kitchen of our field office). I didn’t give it much thought. No big deal. It happens sometimes and I fully believe it was unintentional so I just went outside and scoured for a place to chow.

A few weeks after that, we’ve had an operations meeting with all the other staff. My attention wasn’t quite in the meeting when the materials engineer who was beside me at that time brought back my attention and I heard just in time DBE talking about being mindful of everyone in the project and further said ayoko yung may magsasabi na ‘ay ayoko dyan, lagi akong nauubusan dyan.’ (I don’t want to hear anyone in my team saying “no one cares about me there.”)

I was surprised. I initially thought my existence in the project team was just an expendable one, but DBE took notice and cared enough to verbalize it. I couldn’t forget those words and the feelings that ensued. The DBE that they dubbed as “terrible” took notice of the lowly site engineer of his team!

Aside from that, I also heard from others how he acknowledged my efforts as evident on how I turned skin and bones due to lack of sleep, the punishment of the harsh heat of the day and the freezing nights that I had to stay in the jobsite. They would tell me napuri ka na ni boss (boss already acknowledged your hard work.) Only a after few years down line would I realize how much those words would mean to me as a professional.

I didn’t think I’d ever be benefitted of such kindness from boss. I was a greenhorn and introverted albeit the demand of the job wouldn’t have any of those as an excuse. But I did receive kindness from the tough man himself. It was very unlikely that it almost seemed surreal but it was real nonetheless.

“Napuri ka na ni boss…”

A heart behind the iron hands

It would’ve been easy for him to play politics, with me at his immediate disposal since I am quiet most of the time. But he did not. He was the first to show me that in order to succeed in the corporate world, you just need to be fair and be kind to everyone while pushing your people to be at their best not just for the company but for themselves as well.

Toxic office politics isn’t a norm under his command. If you fail to do your part, it’s your fault and you’ll get castigated for that. If you do your job well, whoever you are and whatever your disposition is, all is well and he’s expecting you to get better at it.

I sure received a lot of admonitions from him, a lot of them humiliating and a bitter pill to swallow. But what’s strange is beyond all those castigations, I felt that he cared. Not only for my output and role in his team and the company, but for my own personal improvement as well. I’ve met but a few people who have that skill of making you feel valued genuinely even while you’re being castigated because of your lapses.

He may not have seen a competitive me in those moments. In fact, I might have been the least from among his team. But I believe he saw my honest efforts to meet the demands of the job and to improve. And he also acknowledged that I was trying so hard as I consequently pushed myself outside of my wits and limits. The least that he could do was to be kind while still pushing me to be better.

He still demanded our best all throughout the duration that he led the project. It was not a picnic, in fact it had been ugly for a lot of times. And yet despite how unkind the workplace and the activities can get, he chose to deal with kindness towards the greenhorn me. That was something that never left me from the time I was a mere private in the engineering profession up to now that I already earned a lot of scars to boast with.

And while I already learned from a lot people, people who I told myself that I’ll do my very best not to become like them when I get old, I told myself I wanted to become like DBE when the time comes for me to lead my own. DBE’s sincere care for my professional welfare and his desire to pull someone outside of his comfort zone in order to grow and succeed, is what I always wanted to emulate and possess even before my crown turns permanently white.

And his kindness towards me, despite how unkind the circumstances were is something worth paying forward.

The “tomato” way to fame

While I cannot customize my rather archaic thinking to conform with “pop art”, I became interested nonetheless in determining the psychological profile of my readers in social media – what posts do they react to mostly and what piques their interest, in order to drive them eventually to my page and hopefully drag them all the way to my blog.

It all started when I wondered why my post about our backyard tomatoes garnered more likes than any of my presupposed reaction-eliciting thoughts and funny anecdotes.

I couldn’t believe it at first. A tomato? Really?!!

At first I thought it has something to do with one’s familiarity to the author (you cannot just comment on someone’s post even if it hits you home if you’re not that close, right?) Or maybe I am, in reality, an alien wearing a human costume desperately trying to blend in with humans.

I don’t know.

I’ve tried to make predictions, did countless social experiments on my own but still I cannot get that reaction I was rooting at. Audiences, turns out, are like women in terms of complexity and unpredictability.

Still confused, I asked my lady and she had this for an answer:

You know, almost everyone today is experiencing quarantine fatigue and they want a quick fix. An easy laugh or something easy to digest. What you posted (referring to the tomatoes) doesn’t have any riddles, no politics, no drama, no hidden meaning that they still need to decipher, and no vocabulary that needs to be consulted to a dictionary. Now if you’re trying to be poetic and all that and your post still needs to be further broken down into quarks and bosons in order to get the meaning, then you might as well kiss any form of reaction goodbye.”

Well, whatever the reason may be, I hope it’s not because I am a lousy storyteller.

The “Small Stuff”

The day humanity went downhill is the moment we’ve put premium on everything else while labelling essentials as the “small stuff”.

名前がない男の人

Self Humiliating Grace

You gotta give God some credit for His goodness. Instead of giving us our much deserved affliction when we become bloated ungrateful bastards, He smacks us right in our faces with His unexpected blessings that we instantly deflate and become devoid of our egos leaving us empty and humiliated of our own arrogance.

– 名前がない男の人

The “Oops” Type of Love

Never regret having wasted love on all the wrong people. After all, it might be the only love they’ll ever know.

– 名前がない男の人

The villain narrative

We’re all going to be villains in somebody else’s story. That’s ok. Just make sure they are all fabricated and unfounded narratives.

– 名前がない男の人

Guess who

I have multiple personalities. It automatically selects which particular ‘me’ should take over to suit anyone I am talking to.

So if you’re wondering where is the usually warm and quiet me that you were talking to awhile ago, please understand that your presence might have conjured my cold and asshole self.

That also makes me a very good mirror. What you see in me is a reflection of who you are to me.

名前がない男の人

The Perfect Workplace for Introverts and Non Office Politics Players

I don’t care that you do not play office politics. We don’t have that type of culture here anyway.

I don’t care that you frequently stay put in your workstation; that you do not go out and have lunch, dinner, or snacks with majority of your officemates during break.

I don’t mind if you are introverted, just sitting there quietly doing your thing.

I don’t mistake your quiet demeanor as a lack of loyalty to me or the company. You don’t need to feel threatened that you are quiet.

I understand that you have your family to attend to that you cannot attend to some of our company socials. I would be surprised in fact if you don’t tend to them first.

In here we coach each other, build each other, lift each other, care for each other.

In here, we don’t set someone up for failure so we can justify throwing him/her out the window.

This office is run by trust, not on how close you are to the director, your manager, or anyone.”

There are offices, companies, and bosses where you’ll hear these despite that they’re not being verbalized.

You’ll feel it in the overall office atmosphere. You’ll feel it in how you’re being treated. You’ll feel that freedom and trust whether you are within your company’s premises or in the comfort of your own home.

You’ll feel you are blessed when you find such kind of offices, companies, and bosses.

Well I was.

And sure I still am currently, right at this very moment.

Wishing you’re blessed to be in this kind of workplace too!

#greatworkplace #freedom #nontoxicworkplace

“♬♪… ang mamatay (wag naman po sana!🙏) ng dahil sayo…♩♪♫♬”

If war breaks out (God forbids!) we who had been the last batch to undergo mandatory ROTC in college were automatically enlisted as reserve.

We’ll be “frontliners” then. I imagine we’d be dodging bullets, saying hello to incoming artillery fire, playing “piko” so as not to step on landmines, and frequently hugging the ground.

Being enlisted by the state to defend itself anyway is an opportunity to offer the ultimate sacrifice for the country. It’s the consummation of the last line of the national anthem which is “… ang mamatay ng dahil sayo…”

What does that have to offer? An opportunity to defend (and to die, to complete the rhetoric) for something which is the country. At least we’ll not be dying for nothing, ain’t it?

Not that I’m looking forward to die with a bullet inside me or being surprised by deadly shockwaves and shrapnel from grenades by the way.

I just can’t help but think though, how lucky were the ones who enrolled in NSTP instead. While the thought of holding an M16 rifle ala Rambo while saying “live for nothing, or die for something” sounds totally heroic and romantic, I still believe that the ones behind the frontliners are much more lucky since they are the ones who are most likely to make it out of the war alive.

You are not a clown

You are not a clown
even if you
frequently lift
the fallen
whether he’s down
flat on his face
or on his knees
bellowing his pain
with torrential tears

You are not a clown
even as you go around
lighting up candles
on dark and eerie alleys
or painting smiles on lips
kissed by the
world’s doom and gloom

Share if you must
impart to the world your gifts
but when you find your self
flat on your face
or on your knees
bellowing your pain
with torrential tears
always remember –

You need not get up
thinking you’re a clown
that you have to forget
much more neglect
your self
your pain
just to become a jester
running round town

Home Security

When it comes to security at home, I would qualify myself as the most paranoid.

My heart would often skip a bit as I immediately blurt out a barrage of Spanish expletives when I see a door left open, or an unlocked barrel bolt or door knob. I would then immediately remind everyone at home, regardless of whoever they may be, in an exasperated tone how important it is to observe simple yet very important rules in safety.

The good thing is, we ourselves imbibed the urgency to immediately secure our home starting from ensuring that doors are always locked.

Unfortunately, we’ve had some housemates back then who have little regard to the set rules. They would often leave the backdoor unlocked or the padlock improperly set, despite that it only would have taken a few calories to do properly. Still my paranoid self, I would often remind them emphatically the importance of being mindful about the security at home. And we even cited examples of recent news of burglars breaking into homes near our area.

But to no avail.

One day, we cited a rather unfortunate news of someone getting murdered inside their home in broad daylight, their home just less than a kilometer from our area. We thought we already got the message across with the most powerful example after telling them that unfortunate horrific example of relaxed home security protocols gone wrong.

Imagine our shock and exasperated faces, as we clutched our hands in utter disbelief when she said nonchalantly, almost in a jokingly manner:

“Minardər da idan a...” (“Oh well, they got murdered alright…”)

…(You didn’t think I’d see that, do you…)

Even if we vehemently deny, there’s just no way we can deny that there’s more than meets the eye. In other words, what we don’t say in most cases speaks louder than what comes out of our lips. It is possible, thanks to good ole psychology. That’s the wonder of being able to read body language which is, most of the time, more conspicuous than spoken words. 

With no less than the constitution guaranteeing our right to freedom of expression which can be further justified by the cliché ‘insult is taken, not given’, we ought to be responsible with what we say so we wont end up pissing whoever is in front of us at worse or, we’ll be getting our points across albeit convoluted at best.

A time for everything

There’s a time and place for jokes and our oozing sarcasm. It is in such time that we can roast someone sans the coals or when we play a prank on a homie.

And then there are instances when such ‘skills’ need to take a back seat to give way to civility and diplomacy especially when dealing with people who are not our close friends like our coworkers, our bosses, or a random fellow human we’d meet somewhere. You just gotta shut up sometimes despite the urge to throw a punchline, a quasi-insult or a full-fledged one.

But even when you mean nothing sinister at all, you can still be misinterpreted. If you’re not bothered by this, you need not give a damn. But if it’s a client or anyone who needs an exact account of any story, you will need to extend yourself to explain carefully what you wanted to tell them in such a way that it leaves no room for other interpretations.

No matter how careful you are though, people can still, or will deliberately misinterpret you. And sometimes, people assume that the person in front of them is stupid, and so they become oblivious to what’s going on inside the person’s head. You can only hope they’re not imagining the smell of your skin being roasted in flames.

Fill in the blanks

Nevertheless it is fun to listen sometimes and complete their rather incomplete sentences in your head, especially when you can read the body language which is hard to fake, like the few examples below. You really gotta thank psychology for giving such a comic relief.

• Your sibling is dang brainy (And you’re braindead!)
• You have cool parents (You’re not like them. Not one bit. Are you legitimate or what?!)
• Your parents have Latin honors?! (Then why are you their mea culpa?!)
• You’re entitled to a better care. (Because they are losers and not competent enough, you know?!)

“Utopic”

He was so optimistic
as he looked up the sky,
exhaled the crisp
cold morning air
and then he smiled:
“Today’s
another good day
to die…”

Boomer Journals 8 – ‘Tang’ and His Abhorrence of Excessively Teasing Kids

At some point in our lives when we were older, we took delight in bullying kids by means of teasing them until they bawl out of frustration. And when the child reacts, we adults often take it as an attack on our “authority” over them, hence we show enough force to keep the kid scared for another day.

Why in the world do we do it? Maybe because some of us view children as hopeless little losers. Or perhaps it’s a way of establishing our ‘authority’ being the grown up among the growing up, or maybe because we want to avenge ourselves of our past humiliations by adults when we were kids.

The often unseen, neglected side of the coin

The problem with such power tripping on children is the long-term effects of bullying to them when they mature, which of course varies from one kid to another. The kids will eventually outgrow their childishness, become discerning teens and eventually adults. It would have been sufficient if it was explained later on, that those were just pranks not intended to harm their self-esteem. But that’s hardly ever the case. They even label you as a ‘pussy’ for not being able to handle their ‘little jokes’.

While some kids eventually outgrow them, others cannot help but nurture loathing and harbor feelings of anger towards the adults who had been bullying them in their childhood. While suppressed negative emotions such as anger do not necessarily end up in direct assault by the bullied kids when they grow up, they can develop lasting feelings of lost respect towards the grownups and apathy.

And when they inevitably reach their saturation point and it clicks, it’s all over. The harrowing experiences of shame and anger is permanently etched in their long-term memory. There’s nothing much you can do to change their minds after that. Sure the kids might still talk to adults after but the respect they once had already vanished into thin air.

I once thought this was the norm. That it’s just something children inevitably needs to deal with.

That is until I heard stories of my father-in-law.

“Not on my watch.”

He didn’t tolerate any grownups teasing his children to the extent that his kids would be begging for them to stop until they cry, especially when it comes to food. He would often reproach erring adults by telling them “Ala sigi, isuru yu dagita nga mapukaw tu ti respeto da kadakayo.” (You’re teaching them to lose their respect towards you with what you’re doing.)

He did not just apply the rule to his children, he made it sure that other kids within his care will be treated right thus consequently teaching them to respect others as well. And when those kids grew up and became adults, the respect, that high regard towards the old man never departed such that they even accorded him the same esteem while he was on his deathbed.

But it went beyond that.

He walked the talk such that the respect they gave him transcended his death such that his children now receives the same esteem from the other kids (now responsible adults with their own families) he once taught.

The gift that keeps on giving and giving

It might have been an unpopular stance but he did not care because he knew better which is why he did better.

Why? Because he believes respect knows no age limit, be it a 2 year old kid or an adult. There’s an acceptable limit to teasing in the spirit of fun and play. But if what we as adults deem as fun results to harbored anger and resentment of the child towards himself and others, then we should by all means know better.

What he taught them while he was alive transcended his human form and continues to teach me to this day, years after his death.

Truly, the goodness he had sown still ripples to this day. The bounds of which only God can tell.

0000 Hours

Here I am
witnessing the day
that had been
give way to another
Trying to see
if the hour
which was said to be
possessed by some
kind of magic
where it begets poetry
and it’s population
booms profusely
And if at all
can it scratch the itch
or if it makes it worse
such that
when I scratch the surface,
from the open wound it oozes
the universe
lets
itself
out
…

A Soviet Horror Story

In the year 1875, a Soviet Union soldier named Dimitri was on a horseback when he got lost in a haunted forest near Moscow. He looked up the sky: it was high noon and the air is humid.

He was getting anxious when he saw a stream in which he immediately got off his horse as soon as he reached the bank. Dimitri was totally parched that he would drink from the flowing water in front of him but he hesitated thinking that it might be unsafe for drinking.

He then saw his horse as it already went past him to drink greedily from the stream. It reminded him instantly of a famous quote from Saint Seraphim of Sarov:

“Drink water from the spring where horses drink, The horse will never drink bad water…”

Dimitri immediately went over and knelt beside the horse to drink, his face just a few inches from the head of the lapping brute.

After only a split second, the horse stopped drinking and hurriedly left…

When the unsaid speaks louder than words spoken

Imagine the peace we all would’ve had
if only we’d learn to hear what’s not being said
to be able to discern the truth and words of deceit
and spare ourselves from the viper’s teeth!

名前がない男の人

Favourite Nightmares

Most of us have a hard time dreaming pleasant dreams because we’re too busy reliving our nightmares.

名前がない男の人

Lighting up bridges

Contrary to a popular cliché, it’s actually worth it to burn some bridges down especially when they lead to hell.

名前がない男の人

“Frog”

Someone just scorned you by calling you a “frog”.

And you responded: “You know what, you’re right, although there’s more to that: I’m a frogman. Either you forgot about that, or that blank stare on your face tells me you don’t have the slightest idea of what that is.”

Now, how badass can that be?!

photo from navytimes.com

Don’t play with “downplayers”

Never associate with anyone who belittles your gains like they’re no big deal. Instead, be with people who are proud of what you have accomplished thus far and inspires you to conquer newer and even bigger heights.

名前がない男の人

ばーか

時々俺は本当にばーかだ. 未だ日本語が読んで書いて話した い …

下 は かっこういい曲 だ . 聴て!!!

ばーか
<あれくん>

なんで構ってくれないの？
いっつもいっつも携帯ばかり
付き合いたての初々しさに
戻りたいな 泣き出しそうだ

どうしてわかってくれないの？
朝から晩まで自分の話
たまには私の話も少し
聞いてくれたっていいじゃんか

こんなんだったら私達
『終わりにしよ？』って切り出した
こんな時だけ頭を下げて
あぁ なんだかばかばかしいな
ねぇ だったらかまってよ
あなたが好きなの 他じゃ嫌なの
あなたじゃなきゃ 私ダメなの
ぎゅーっ！って そっと抱きついた
ぎゅって抱きついた

『ごめんね 愛しているよ』
その一言にいっつもいっつも
騙されていた
次はもうないからね？
信じていいの？
わたしも大好き 愛しているよ
これからも一緒にいようよ
『ばーか。』

このままずっと離さないから
目と目合わせて肩寄せ合って
にっこり笑みが零れた私は
幸せのベルを鳴らした

ありのままのあなたでいてよね
ありのままの私でいるから
時計の針 脈打つ鼓動
2人の記憶がまた1つになった

毎回嫉妬させてばっかで
ごめんね？ それに携帯ばかり
付き合いたての時より”もっと”
『好きなんだ』って言いたかったんだ
だけど 素直になれなかった
君に嫉妬してたんだ
これからは君のことを
精一杯包み込むよ

『こんなんだったら私達
終わりにしよって』 僕に言った
そんな時でも素直になれず
あぁ なんだか子供みたいだ…
あのさ 本当は言いたいんだ
君が好きなの 他じゃ嫌なの
君だけいれば 僕はいいの
ぎゅっ！って そっと抱きついた
ぎゅっって君を抱きしめた

今までごめんね 大好きだよ
これからも一緒にいてくれる？
ありがとう

時計の針をずっと眺めて
一緒に人生 歩み進めて
行きたいな 生きたいな？ ね！
僕たち一緒にいようね！

これからも愛しています
だから これからも愛してほしい
僕が宝物に 送る愛の言葉
君へと捧げる愛の歌

もっと君に伝えたい
『愛してる』大好きだよって言葉を
口だけの男じゃないってことを
証明してみせるから
君と一緒に星を見たいな
夜空に輝く一等星みたいな輝きを
叶えたい
2人で描く愛のストーリーを

このままずっと離さないから
目と目合わせて肩寄せ合って
にっこり笑みが零れた私は
愛の誓いのキスを交わした
ありのままのあなたでいてよね
ありのままの私でいるから
時計の針 脈打つ鼓動 2人の記憶が
また1つになった

Boomer Journals 7 – Mimicking Gunfire and Explosions As Kids During “War” Games

Prior to smartphones today, we were never short of means of letting out that natural male aggression, especially the way that war games do.

We ducked and hid behind rocks and trees, all to the delight of our juvenile selves which inevitably irked our mothers especially when we go home with scratches, wounds, and soiled clothes. It’s almost always guaranteed that it will end up in countless “initiation” rites, where we kids were the recipient of the said initiations.

With nothing but makeshift sticks that doesn’t even need to actually resemble a pistol or long firearm, we “hunted” our enemies using our voices as fired bullets. Mind you, we even classified what type of firepower we had just by the mere sound of the gunfire.

‘Twas fun. It still is up to now actually. Although the fun evolved into funNY and is somewhat embarrassing to a certain extent.

Those experiences though, were all worth it to be archived in the album called “Childhood Memories”.

---

Different ways kids back then tried to mimic gunfire and explosions during “baril-barilan” (shoot out game):

• A semiautomatic – BRATATATATAT!!!

• Caliber .45 – TOG⬇️ SHAW⬆️!!!

• A pistol with silencer – Psshhhhiw⬆️ Psshhhhiw⬆️!!!

• Magnum 357 – BANG BANG BANG!!!

• Fragmentation grenade – BOOOMMM!!!

• Caliber .38 – BENG BENG BENG!!!

• Shotgun – tsk tsk BOOM!!!

• Rocket launcher (upon impact) – BOOONNNGG!!!

• M16 – PRRRRT PRRRRT!!!

• Nuke – KABOOOMMM!!!

Calling your soul to come home

When you got a body but can’t find your soul

poke a hole
and break the wall

and if that doesn’t do it just yet
write that vagabond a letter
brood it a little
yell if you must
at the top of your lungs
put it all on paper
nail it at the door outside
and leave it altogether

tomorrow it’ll come
and knock on the door
will bring some presents too:
your demons on one hand
your passions on the other
both, a gift you ought to
ought to share together

Keep the lights on

Keep your light burning bright
Even if during the day
it’s nobody’s delight
For time will come
it’ll illuminate
someone’s darkest of nights
And that glow might just be
his last reason to fight.

Party

There are things
worth celebrating
with festivity
with revelry
with company

But rather than these
I’d grab a beer or two
sit in silence
and get lost in the symphony
of the rain
the wind
the pitter-patter on my window
Because as for me
the best way to be
is to celebrate with poetry

お誕生日おめでとう名前がない男の人に

It came again
That particular time of the year
Worth an ice cold beer
Reminiscing the highs
And lots of fears
Met with courage
Confronted with tears
Armed with sheer will
Folded knees in pray’r
Still prayin’ I’d have more
Of the things I look forward and hope for…

The Irony

Upon sensing somebody’s listening, I shut up.

When the coast is clear, I pour my heart out.

名前がない男の人

Smouldering Visions

I lit the darkness of my soul –
Not with the friendly glow of reality,
But with the consuming fire of what should be…”

Writers hold on to tomorrow despite the lack of assurance that they will ever see it

Not everything you write will rock. A lot of them won’t even make sense in fact. It doesn’t matter though. Because the only thing that counts is to embrace the fact that your writing will inevitably suck sometimes and there’s very little you can do except to get on with it and keep on writing.

And because some of a writer’s toil of sweat and blood will suck, he is not immune to heartaches and frustrations. But instead of succumbing to them, he musters his courage and strength to thrive on them and coexist. Sometimes, he gains the upperhand. Sometimes, he makes a cookbook out of hordes upon hordes of heartaches and frustrations and makes them his nourishment.

But a writer’s comfort lies on the thought that he can keep on writing even if what he wrote today sucked. Because tomorrow is a resemblance of hope that what he will write tomorrow will finally make sense.

Tomorrow.

Hope.

Another chance.

That’s the way I approach writing. I just hope I can approach life with the same hope and enthusiasm especially in times when nothing seems to make sense.

Life-giving death

Like plants, we do not acquire our nourishment solely from the sun and rain, but also in every part of us that dies.

名前がない男の人

When pictures conjure feelings that can’t be put to words

I can write a bit to express myself. I’m ok with that.

But if there is something I envy the most from other artists particularly visual artists, it is the ability to express emotions thru drawing. Because up until today, I still cannot convey some feelings using words the way these pictures (among others) do.

So much for self pity. I hope I’d be able to draw like these in my next life, though.

Credits to Pinterest where these were taken.

“Let’s fix this”

Consider yourself lucky if you find yourself a leader who will say “let’s fix this” when things go wrong rather than someone who will leave you hanging in the air, waiting for you to spectacularly fail in order to give them legitimate reasons to throw you under the bus.

名前がない男の人

Me vs Social Media

I’d be waging war
on my mobile’s social media

For instead of transcribing
my unadulterated thoughts
on the blank page
I instead
browse one post
after another
up until
I wasted an hour
an eternity
meant for a good story
an hour
of my time
my precious time
my life
a part of me
liking
sharing
scrolling
stupidly
mindlessly

There, I finally nailed it
my undying commitment
to limit and refrain
from allowing my mind
to be subdued
by social media.
And to make myself
accountable,
I’ll post this in Facebook,
Mewe,
Gab,
Tumblr…

Old McDonald had Diarrhea

When the kid messes with the lyrics of his nursery rhymes while trying to learn to speak:

“Old McDonald had a fart
Eeyaeeyayoww!
And on his pants he had some sh*t
Eeyaeeyayoww!”

Sowing Seeds of Kindness Today and Reaping Our Saving Grace Tomorrow

Sowing seeds of kindness is like building oases in this arid wilderness of life. The magical thing about these providential zones of solace is that we run into them more than once in our lives. And in most unlikely situations, we are blessed to come across the same people who were beneficiaries of our selfless acts of kindness. Only this time, we are at the receiving end of their generosity.

And even if we never meet again the very people who we extended our kindness upon, that loving deed no matter how simple will never be destroyed nor lost in oblivion. Just like energy, it will eventually find another tangible form and will greet us once again with a pat in the back like a long lost friend or brother.

Take time to appreciate people who had been kind to offer you an oasis of rest and refreshment during the heat of the day or a safe haven of renewed hope in a quiet evening.

How many oases have you been able to build?

(If this finds anyone who had been kind one way or another, I wish to extend my heartfelt “thanks”. A grateful heart will never forget.)

Inoculated

If only there’s a vaccine
that will render
your memories
as hilarious punchlines
where I’d laugh out loud
instead of being
moved to tears,
a numbed sensation
instead of searing pain,
and will boost my system
with anti-rage bodies
everytime I’m on the verge
of turning green –

I’d inoculate myself
right fucking here,
right fucking now…

Boomer Journals 6 – Washing Dishes With Pail and a Makeshift Dipper

We were having problems with our subdivision’s water supply. Whether it’s scarcity from the supply line or mismanagement in the distribution, only heaven knows how pissed we already were. The word ‘pissed’ by the way is already a watered down understatement of our mounting frustrations.

I felt the brunt of the unpleasant experience one night while washing the dishes using a plasticware for a makeshift dipper and a pailful of water saved the other day. While I was able to tame my grumbling self, I failed to do the same for my legs and my back brought about by standing for too long while looking dejectedly at the open, dropless faucet.

And tomorrow came.

Hopeful though I was with the dawning of the new day, I abandoned all hopes of having a running water in our tap.

Then evening came.

The dreaded moment of washing the dishes with a makeshift dipper and a pailful of water is mocking me right in my face once again. But before plunging into foretold misery, I opened the faucet with my eyes narrowed anticipating for the worst.

But lo and behold, water came out where I was expecting air! This was another instance in my life where I felt so good having my expectations proven wrong.

No more dipping tonight. And tonight, I told myself, I’m gonna be washing soap sods off kitchenwares on running water.

Suddenly, something dropped onto the plate I was holding. It was only then that I realized I was in tears. I was so fucking happy that I cried.

The people-builder vs the people-user type of leader

May your success as a leader be defined based on how many people you helped along the way to become successful, not on how many were you willing to sacrifice just to achieve your selfish ends.

名前がない男の人

remember not my face

Do me a favor,
will you?

Forgot my face
I couldn’t make it
to Hollywood
anyway,
not even
the local film
Industry.

But remember
my words
and spread ’em.
my words
M-Y-W-O-R-D-S!

The rewards of invalidating people

The quickest, surefire way to win a lifetime of enemies is by running ’round town like an asshole invalidating people’s feelings.

名前がない男の人

Writing disorders

It happens to all mortal writers.

It’s not a matter of if, but a matter of when. These “disorders” are common to all writers whether he is experienced or an amateur.

• Diaryhea – impulsive-compulsive writing disorder due to sudden burst of ideas oftentimes coming out of nowhere. Indication includes scurrying around looking for any medium possible such as toilet papers, receipts, phone, or anything within arms reach to jot down ideas while they can still be vividly recognized. Failure to do so often results in psychological conditions such as regret and depression.

• Constipation – when the mind clogs due to unprocessed ideas not written immediately. Analogous to a hanged computer due to overload of data and commands. The problem with this condition is it eventually makes the writer “explode” which explains why some of his outputs are a chain of rubbish before coming up with something worth reading.

In moments of which, there is only one prescription. It’s hard and uncomfortable but it needs to be done anyway if you do not want inactivity to undermine your soul:

Just write.

What not to ask a writer to do

Asking a writer to reveal more skin or to send nudes is like asking an already half-naked Victoria’s Secret model to show her cleavage.

Because she reveals more than her buck-naked body when she writes. She exposes her soul.

名前がない男の人

Fuck Talk

The problem in today’s relationships is we are so eager to fuck the body that we often neglect one equally important thing to screw in either partner – and that is to fuck each other’s mind.

名前がない男の人

The sky reminds me of you today

The sky reminds me of you today:

cloudless
sunshine’s through and through

but lets in
some cold air too

there ain’t no place right now
that I’d rather be

strutting the streets
with good old revelry

Indifferent poetry

Poetry doesn’t care about me
doesn’t give a fuck
not even a shit
Plays god
on a mere mortal like me
a mere instrument
it made me be
for it to be born and gone
gone
gone
gone
having fun
far beyond the sun

Snore

She doesn’t want me beside her
said I snore out loud
ruins her night sleep
in addition to her insomnia.
I don’t know what to do
with my snoring
nor with my kids’
But if only I can lend her
one of my greatest gifts
which is to sleep
regardless of the sounds of the night
or elbows
or knees
hitting all my sides.
If only I can…

Well wishes

And just before
I started to work
she hugged me
from behind
and whispered
in my ear
as she
clutched me tight
I could die
of asphyxiation:
“I hope you’d be filled
to the brim
and your entire system
drowned
today
with dopamine,
motherfucker!”

And because
of that
I told myself:
well if that ain’t
a nice way
to say
“screw you!”
then
I don’t know
what
the
fuck
that
is…

First thing a writer should learn is how not to give a fuck

ctto

What you give yourself and what you think you are giving them

A few likes and occasionally, some comments. It doesn’t matter. Maybe it did before, but it hardly has any potent impacts to the stubborn writer in me anymore.

I’ve been writing for around 7 years already in this semi-private blog. Semi-private because of the number of my readership is analogous to the number of people reading a private person’s diary. Despite those dismal views, blogging never came short of a variety of personal experiences for me as a writer. I’ve had some occasional highs when there were a lot of interactions and a whole lot of lows when nobody seemed to care at all about how I feel based on what I’ve written.

But I’ve already learned to deal with it despite that there are still a lot of instances that I got pissed off by the indifference of the world. Practice makes perfect anyway, right? And I’ve gotten used to the fact that in most of what I’ve written, they were met with deafening silence except for occasional swarm of crickets, both in this blog and in my social media accounts.

Well, that’s your audience’s choice. Remember that no response from them is also a form of response. After all, you are responsible for your self-expression and the things that make you sane, not them.

With the exception of course if the mode of that self-expression involves breaking a law or endangering the life of your fellow. You know what I mean. So if you’ve matured enough as a writer, you should’ve finally realized that it’s not the likes nor the comments why you were writing in the first place: and that is to regularly try to calm the raging storm within you by channeling it so you bleed ink instead of bleeding your lifeline.

What they actually receive

It is one thing to be able to express yourself. How it’s going to be received is completely another story and something which either you have very little control of or something that you can totally do nothing about.

People can only interact as far as their level of comprehension is concerned. Your ideas, grand as they are, if they land on a mind that is incapable of nurturing grand ideas, then it is most likely that they will be met with scorn, like throwing pearls to the pigs.

There are however, objective readers who are mature enough to temporarily set aside their biases in order to see your point. They can further improve your initial ideas by pitching in their objective observations or healthy criticisms. And then there are those who will opt to see what they only wanted to see in what they are reading. Hence some comments may seem like they enjoy what you have written but in reality, what you wrote just reminded them of something funny or remarkable from their past experiences which sometimes is not totally related with what you said. (Talk about getting elated when you thought you finally got your message across, only to find out that they completely missed it by a mile!)

There are those who will tell you how much you suck, oftentimes devoid of explanations whatsoever. You will never be good enough and nothing that you say or write will come at par with their insatiable “exquisite” standards. Good luck if you wish to persist in trying to impress them nonetheless.

How people react is a mirror of who they are inside. Most of the time, it’s not you who have a problem. It’s them and you can do nothing to change that. So it would be wise if your happiness is not dependent on how your audience will react. Because doing so almost always ends up tragically.

So shut up and just fucking write!

There’s no other way to put it best but to just fucking do it. If you can’t help but be bothered by voices outside of your self, don’t fucking write at all. In trying to improve yourself as a writer and a person, it is inevitable that some people will get offended by whatever reasons. So be it. Think of yourself getting better in the process and the other person who will benefit from what you’ve written. You’ll never know. Someone might be badly in need of what you have to say.

Write for those who are silent, those who will not give a like or leave a comment, and even those who will not likely speak with you face to face. They may deny you as the writer, but they can never deny the truth and the connection it made with their souls.

Regarding the critics, look at the light of what they are saying. If it makes sense, improvise. If it does not in anyway benefit you, shut out the noise and let them howl ’til kingdom come. It isn’t criminal for them to yak their brains out but it isn’t their right to impose anything on you either.

It’s either your growth or, your perceived “sanctity” of the opinion of others. Choosing one would neglect the other. It’s your choice to make.

Lessons learned while walking on eggs

Recognize those who stood by you through thick and thin. They are the so-called angels in the outfield. They are the ones who are worth sticking with.

But you should also acknowledge that not all people would be willing to lend a genuine helping hand.

There are those who will remain silent when you have done something worth of a pat on the back or at least some simple words such as “keep it up”. While some may appreciate any form of cognizance of their efforts, there are those who prefer to avoid the spotlight and opt to just work in the corner, relatively unknown like an essential cog in a complex machine. They are more happy and fulfilled that way.

And the same people who were mostly silent on your share of good times with them, would be the quickest to cry for your crucifixion the moment you commit the slightest, even trivial mistakes which would have been easily resolved by a simple talk. Instead of helping you out as an initial reaction, they conspire against you to come up with all the “just” reasons why you do not fit in which is enough to get you kicked out.

Beware of such people because they are the ones who don’t want to have anything to do with you. They will stay silent during still waters but they will be the first to throw you overboard when the slightest tempest rocks the boat.

“Sir, I’ve Come to Tell You I’d Marry Your Daughter…”

ctto

(Circa February 2017)

I come in peace sir. I did not come to stir trouble, albeit I cannot guarantee that I can leave your emotions untouched.

I must admit that you’ve done one hell of a job raising Yen sir. She’s intelligent, spontaneous, lovely, responsible, emphatic, and very passionate with what she does. I know she was and still is your princess, and the way you treat her is like she’s the next best thing in life before life itself.

And so here I’ve come to tell you that she is now my princess and my life too. And this time I’d want her to be my queen.

I know you have been dreading that a day would come when a whacko would come to face a multi-decorated life veteran like yourself and ask for his daughter’s hand in marriage.

And yes sir the day has come and that day is today. And I am that whacko in front of you.

I’d have to hold her responsible for what I’ve become though. I‘d say that it’s pretty much her fault I became that whacko because she turned my life around. I’m not a drifter before we met but I’d say that things went falling in their right places when I met her and I can’t believe what I’m actually seeing that I thought I was going crazy.

Turns out yes, I’ve become crazy. I am totally crazy about her.

Yen’s the answer to my prayers sir and I know deep within that I would end up in an insane asylum if she doesn’t become my lifetime friend and partner and the mother of my children.

She had been my saving grace and my last reason to keep believing when there’s nothing left to believe in. Sure she can get overbearing sometimes, nagging, and ultra critical but I’d still want to marry that part of her nonetheless.

I feel fear as of this moment sir. Not because I’ve done or I’m about to do anything wrong to her, but because of the thought that I’d have to meet her hero in person.

But please don’t take it against me if I say that there’s something more frightening than being here in front of you right now – and that is to live my life without Yen. And as such I decided to muster every ounce of courage in me to face you and the entire army before you and ask you to please accompany Yen to exchange vows with me in front of the altar.

I love Yen so much sir. She means my life to me. She is and will always be the embodiment of joy in this world. She’s the one who proved to me that love is more than just an ideal concept portrayed by media and printed on paper. And nothing of these would have been possible without you showing her first the essence of love and what it means to be loved when she was yet a little darling in your arms.

Please allow me to love her for a lifetime sir. Please allow me to be a part of your circle that protects her, loves her, cherishes her, and nurtures her wonderful unique personality.

I am looking forward to seeing traces of you on our mini-versions that will fill our humble home with love and laughter. I would also like to ask you sir to please help me become a good father to our future children just like how you are right now with her.

Would you please say yes, sir? Dad, please?

Kiss Wisely

The butt you kick today can be the ass that you will kiss tomorrow.

Kiss wisely.

– 名前がない男の人